My Terrifying Journey on J-Date... Oy!

by Dani Alpert

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These are some actual J-Date e-mails that I received when I was on the site, looking for a man. To amuse myself, I commented on the e-mails (but I never sent them). I also never found a man - but when you read the gems below, it won't be hard to see why. Clearly, I thought that I’d want to use these one day. Always thinking, I am.

So in honor of Chanukah, I give you "Too Jew For You" - excerpts from real J-date emails. I do hope they’ll elicit some laughs, smiles, and some, “Holy sh*t nuggets, that can’t be real!”

10/28 2:38 pm

MESSAGE:
"A healing penis with no baggage. Totally self confident except for a few social phobias. Driven by Wellbutrin and grounded by Effexor. A Jew with his own toolbox who can do minor household repairs. According to Tom Leykis, you have the perfect profile for me. If you have a Costco membership card... I'm marchin' to the altar. Won't you give me a chance and help get me off this site?

MY COMMENT
I don’t know where to begin with this one. Penis? This guy actually wrote a “healing penis with no baggage.” That took cojones. However, this vagina won’t be responding. Some people shouldn’t attempt humor because they’re risking sounding like an escapee from Bellevue. Get a grip dude.

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10/27 10:32 pm

MESSAGE:
Hi - I am the one that came up with the 100 word minimum on J-date. If you'll have dinner with me, I'll reduce the minimum to 50 words. If it REALLY goes well, I'll dispense with the minimum altogether! I LIKE it when you're serious - did you surprise yourself? Joseph

MY COMMENT
This is in response to my complaining about the 100-word minimum that J-date asks you to respect when answering their questions. A lot of guys think they’re being cute and funny when they address this issue. Most of the time they’re neither cute nor funny. There’s also a part of my profile where I answer one of the questions rather seriously and then call attention to how serious I was being. This fellow thought he’d get inside my head. Not a good idea. It’s dangerous in there.

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10/27 12:18 am

MESSAGE:
Hi Great Smile and teeth. I'm a newyorker, or, x its been along time. Im in west hollywood and would enjoy hearung rom you..i just rejoined/good /or bad? Ill try. Scott 323 653 7519

MY COMMENT
There’s something creepy about pointing out someone’s teeth. Even though mine are exceptional. My parents paid dearly for them and I paid dearly, socially. I had braces for 5 long years and my social life suffered. Can you say Chelsea Clinton? Anyway, his spelling is horrific. You would think that he wouldn’t want to look like a jack*ss, so he’d do a spell check. Most computers nowadays have spell check. Do the work. Don’t be lazy. It’s not attractive.

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10/26 12:47 am

MESSAGE:
This is fun. Sit down in a chair. Take the index finger of the hand you write with and point it forward. Now lift your leg so your foot is off of the floor. (If you are right handed use right leg and vice versa). Move your foot clockwise. At the same time, write the number 6 with your index finger. Let me know what happens. Ken (My picture should be online tomorrow)

MY COMMENT
This was definitely one of the more unusual. I’ll tell you what happened, Ken. I got dizzy and almost fell off the chair. What’s with the games? The f'd up thing is that I actually did it. Okay, that’s my issue but c’mon. I got a little scared as soon as he said index finger. I thought, index finger? Where is this perv going? What actually happens is that your foot and your finger start moving in sync. See ya Ken. And good luck.

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10/24 6:23 pm

MESSAGE:
Great hair..... David

MY COMMENT
Not that this isn’t a lovely compliment but what? How do I respond? “Thanks, my mom has great hair too. It must be in the genes. Truth be told, she’s really a rookie when it comes to hair products or knowing how to use a blow dryer. My dad and brother, however, are bald. They don’t use products. Recently my hair has been thinning around the crown area. It’s a horrible thing for a woman. I’ve tried the shampoos and two different ‘programs’ and I got bupkis. I had really, really short hair about 5 years ago but my ex-husband said that he felt like he was sleeping with a little boy. He asked me to wear lipstick whenever possible. I eventually grew my hair out and divorced his sorry butt.” What, too much?

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11/20 2:26 pm

MESSAGE:
Now I don't date actresses, being a manager, but I can't resist telling you that rather than leaving my hat on, I date women free of STD's and don't want any part of condoms. Leave your diaphram in.

MY COMMENT
Seeing STD in print or hearing it out loud gives me the cooties. And do you think that saying you’re a manager is going to turn me on? And what makes you think I use a diaphragm?

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10/22 12:42 pm

MESSAGE:
Love’s labor shall not be lost (As long as you respond!) [Play on Shakespeare]

MY COMMENT
Okay, this brings me to the ‘pre-made’ teases that you can choose from. I think if you use a prefab line, you’re saying, “I’m a lazy SOB, and this is the best that I can do.”

These are a few examples:

  • We seem to have so much in common, let me know if you agree.
  • I'm looking for a serious relationship, are you?
  • I'd like to start-up a conversation, can I write you sometime?
  • We've already "clicked", so why stop now?
  • All your imperfections are perfect for me.
  • I'm intrigued, feel free to email me.

 

How much harder would it have been to write the same sentiment in your own words? A little effort goes a long way. You are looking for your future ex-wife aren’t you?

Have you had any terrible online dating experiences? Share them in the comment section!

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