My Totally Reasonable New Year’s Resolutions

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Every year, people with very good intentions sit down and type out a list of New Year’s resolutions, usually consisting of some lofty goals like “I will never touch fast food again” or “I will whip those saddle bags into shape” or “I will be a more patient parent.”

But there’s a reason that most people’s resolutions have been broken by January 2nd… they’re too unreasonable!

I used to be one of you. I would have a self-improvement agenda a mile long (hey, I may come off as self-assured but believe you me I am enormously aware of my imperfections). Every year I’d attempt to conquer myself only to fair miserably, thus making me feel even worse about myself.

This is no way to live!

So this year, especially since I’ve already eliminated drinking, I’ve decided to cut myself some slack and just sort of give myself some “suggestions” which I believe, if followed, could lead to personal greatness… but if not followed, well no biggie.

Here they are:

  • Stop believing every ad for miracle wrinkle creams that work as well as Botox. With all the money I save I can get more Botox!

 

  • Try harder to stop after the second bowl of low-fat granola. Memo to self: Once you’re on the third bowl, it’s no longer a healthy snack.

 

  • At least once, give husband oral pleasures without waiting to be asked.

 

  • Don’t put any more money into my online poker account unless I am really feeling lucky.

 

  • No more buying US Weekly and People at the same time no matter how great the covers look. They are redundant.

 

  • Your daughter has enough Barbie dolls.

 

  • Drink at least three glasses of water a day (don’t judge, this would actually be an improvement)

 

  • (re: above “suggestion”: Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper doesn’t count as water)

 

  • Before my next Target run, ask myself “Do I really need anything?”

 

  • Use less toilet paper.

 

  • Stay more on top of my little mustache problem.

 

  • Know my coffee limits. One cup is nice, one and half I’m getting stuff done, two I’m a raging b*itch.

 

  • Besides my husband’s and children’s try to remember at least one other person’s birthday this year.

 

  • Check my email 10% less often.

 

  • Use more bullet points.

 

  • Would it kill me to wash my bathrobe once in awhile?

 

  • Remember to remind my husband as many times as it take to clean out the garage.

 

  • Use my Jersey Shore generated nickname (which is Stefanie “The Hot Spot” Taylor) in conversation more often.

 

  • Try not to be quite as vocal about my love of The Bachelor. Aw screw it, who would I be fooling really?

 

  • Update quicken every month three months six months.

 

  • At my physical, this year I will not invent any malady in an attempt to persuade my doctor to prescribe Vicodin.

 

  • Read fewer self help books. Especially self help books aimed at helping me set and reach goals.

 

There. I feel better already! I have my whole year mapped out for myself and I’ve already knocked the “bullet point” suggestion off my list for today. It helps to throw yourself a bone like that to help you get started right away. And it’s not cheating, it’s just giving yourself a boost.

Good luck to everyone with everything they want to accomplish this year!

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