The other day I was in the art supply store and only had
four people ask me how many hours I was away from
giving birth. I had to pee for the second time so I made my way to the bathroom. While sitting there, wearing my sky blue, cozy, brand new yoga
shirt (a splurge for my last month of pregnancy), all of
a sudden a familiar, warm, river of a feeling began to
stream out of my nose. I put my hand up but it was too
late. The bright, red blood had trickled it’s way down
my new shirt; in fact it made a perfect line. It almost
looked like the shirt was meant to have one solid red
stripe down the front of it. I said almost. After
dowsing myself with water and blotting the living
daylights out of that baby blue, I came out of the
bathroom. I realize now the blotting made me look like
there had been a gunshot wound. It was weird, everyone
kept looking away in horror. Not sure if they thought I
just delivered the baby in the bathroom by myself or what
but even if they did think that, what does that say for
humankind that no one offered to help!?
Maybe It Was the Blood
Maybe it was the blood or maybe it was the fact that I’m
single and pregnant and missing penis so much…whatever
it was, soon I found myself driving home from the art
store in that bloody, baby blue having a phone
conversation with my mother about circumcision. Her
comments included saying things like “well, of course
you’re going to circumcise” and “trends like not
circumcising come and go”, “yes, I’m sure you have a lot
of new ideas from all of those people you like to talk
to”. I started to feel the blood INSIDE my body boiling
and then, magically, poof! My beautiful iPhone cut out.
Now for the record I am going to circumcise, I just feel
bad for the pain that little guy has to go through and
was expressing that…that and the fact that something
like 30 percent of people are no longer circumcising in
this country (forget about the rest of the world) so you
know, it is actually something to think about and maybe
research for a minute. But ANYWAY, we cut out and I
thought that was probably best….best for my mother as
she often feels my pregnancy wrath and at least she could
be spared one time…better for me because at least I
would feel less guilty for bestowing the wrath.
My Pooch…
So then I walked into my house where my lovely 85 pound
peach of a pooch had done one of the two naughty things
he has in his repertoire. He got into the trash, the NEW
TRASH CAN that I just ordered online to keep him out of
the trash!! The tears welled and I jumped to attention
as he sulked off guiltily to bed. I eased/plopped/fell
down on hands and knees (the extra fifty pounds I’m
carrying made this an interesting sight to watch, I’m
sure) and starting picking up the gigantic pile of trash.
Picking up the trash in a manner that would have made a
mean, fairy tale stepmother proud. In fact if Joan
Crawford had been standing there with whip in hand, she
would not have had to use it. I was that good. I then
realized that I needed to mop as there was cocoa spread
out all over the floor. So I grabbed the mop, soaked it
a bit and got to work. Half way through my mopping
frenzy, the mop broke. It broke right in half. Now
those tears that had welled up started streaming. I was
crying yes, but even more, the mop breaking made me so
angry. So what did I do? I called for my dog of course,
this was his fault. I had to call three times as he knew
this was not going to be pretty.
Coffee Ice Cream
As he came in I hardly recognized him. One would have
thought this large, mostly white Lab mixed with a little
Charpe to have been the offspring of some kind of Basset
Hound by how low his body was to the ground. As he
looked up I saw pure terror in his eyes. But what I also
noticed was that one side of his face was covered in
something dark. Ah yes, the coffee ice cream I threw out
the day before had matted itself into half of his face.
This broke me. I almost laughed. Again, I said almost.
I told him to go back to bed and suddenly he was jaunty
like the Lab he normally is. Then I remembered my shirt.
I took it off, put on some eco friendly stain remover
(which I was told would not work), let it soak in cold
water and I am happy to report every last bit of that
blood is gone.
Preparation?
I sat back and thought about the last two hours of my
day. I guess it’s all in preparation for having a child,
right? Nothing can be too set in stone, things go wrong
a lot, items can get ruined, and people/pets do naughty
things sometimes. Sigh. I must say I am looking forward
to meeting this little guy in my belly for so many
reasons but I think the main one is that hopefully the
love I have for him will outweigh all the other madness
that I am sure will ensue daily. Oh, and for the record
my dog’s other naughty thing he does is not something I
can divulge at this point in time.
