Twin Babies: Are You Ready?by Heidi Danos
What do potatoes, grocery carts, cell phones, elective chest enlargement surgery, and wine bottles have to do with raising twins? Find out in this 10-part test.
Tie one hand around your back for a day. Or, at the very least, tuck one arm into your shirtsleeve. Do not remove it for any reason. Make your morning coffee, do laundry, feed the dog, go through the mail, wash dishes, make dinner, set the table, pee, poop (I’m not responsible for the outcome)…
Take a trip to the grocery store. Grab the worst cart you can find - you know the ones. Head to the produce section and toss two 10lb bags of potatoes into the cart. This represents your stroller.
Now, grab a basket and hold that while trying to maneuver your “stroller” through the store. Pick up items along the way - dinner perhaps (pasta, pasta sauce, bread, veggies) - and put them into the basket. Do NOT use the cart unless you want to risk dropping a glass jar, full of sauce, on your kids’ heads. The key to this exercise is to avoid knocking down displays or running into other patrons.
Borrow a rear-facing car seat from a friend. Install it in your car behind the driver’s seat. After adjusting the driver’s seat so as not to butt up against the car seat, run a few errands. Are you comfortable? I love my Kia Rondo, but sorely wish (no pun intended) that there was a bit more room for me, the chauffeur.
The other option, if you find you don’t have enough room, is to simply have your legs shortened.
Redecorate your living room with brightly colored nick knacks. Randomly toss them onto the floor, end tables, coffee table, etc.
Do you have a Sam’s Club or Costco nearby? Get a membership. Waste no time. Do not pass go, but make sure you collect the $200. You’ll need it!
Take your cell phone apart piece by piece. Reassemble. Do this 10 times, or until it actually works again. This will prepare you for putting together bottles, which typically consist of several puzzling pieces. Or, at the very least, you’ll be able to call a friend for help.
This part will aptly prepare you for Part Eight. Each time you pass through the kitchen during the day, grab a couple of wine bottles (stock up, you’ll need these later) and do 20-30 bicep curls.
Set several alarms. The more obnoxious the sound, the better. Set them for 9:00pm, 11:15pm, 12:20am, 2:45am, 4:00am, and 4:30am (by this point, you’ll have given up on any sleep). Each time the alarm goes off, carry around one of the 10lb bags of potatoes you got at the grocery store for 10 minutes (do this twice).
During each 10 minute period, disassemble your cell phone, put it back together, then pour yourself a glass of milk. And, so as not to be wasteful, pour the milk back into the container at the end of each 10 minute period.
Each day for one week, prepare a nice hot dinner, preferably your favorites. Assemble your plate, put it on the dinner table, sit down, and stare at it for 30 minutes. Then eat, with one hand behind your back.
Have surgery to enlarge your chest cavity (optional). Once your twins arrive, you’ll need space for that huge heart of yours that will be overflowing with love and affection for those new, groovy little munchkins.
Heidi is a proud mother of twins and chief cook and bottle washer at http://MoraJunction.com where she offers up witty commentary and common sense on topics ranging from raising twins (and how to do it without going completely nuts!) to current events and even cooking. She is also an animal enthusiast, shacking up with a dog, a king snake and a terrific husband. No worries... the snake isn't nearly big enough to swallow a rat, let alone the kids.