A Month

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It’s been a month since I left my emotionally abusive boyfriend. I’ve had to deal with him a few times since then, and things went from bad to worse. It all ended with a massive blow up that has led to me permanently removing him from my life.

He’s gone completely out of control. He’s done a complete 180 from everything he ever told me he was–doing things he swore he’d never do, and just turning into someone that I never would have been with. 

I feel like I wasted nearly 2 years of my life on him. He’s gone from a sweet, considerate guy that I thought could be the one to an out of control pyschopath that I never would have gone anywhere near.

I can’t even say that I wish I had those years back for someone else.

I was found by an old on/off boyfriend on Facebook recently. I became friends with him, but made it clear that I wasn’t quite ready to be in a relationship yet. He was ok with that and kept saying all kinds of things that made it clear he was going to wait for me to be ready. Then I find that he’s leading other women on in much the same way.

Add this to discovering that my out of control ex joined a sex site three months before I broke up with him, and knowing that he never had any intention of ending the relationship, my faith in men is pretty much obliterated at this point.

I know nice guys exist. I’ve met some of them. Unfortunately, they’re all already taken–often by my friends and family.

When I was miserable toward the end of my relationship, I often found myself thinking I’d rather be completely single, no man, no dating. All my time for myself and my children, never having to answer to a man or make time for him, being able to do as I wish when I wish. This all sounded wonderful to me.

It never occurred to me that this might be my reality, not by choice, but by necessity.

I refuse to settle for someone who is less than honest, unfaithful, confused about his orientation or anything else important in life. I refuse to date someone who isn’t willing to commit 100% to me, who can’t be supportive and loving, who will try to bring me down simply because he’s miserable in his own life. I won’t be with someone who is so afraid of being alone that upon hearing he might need to wait on me for a bit has to run out and find someone else to be with.

One thing is certain from all of this: My sons will be better men than the ones I’ve experienced. My sons will be men that women can trust, can rely on. They will know how to cook and clean, and will do so. They will show a woman respect. They will not be so fickle that they can’t be patient and allow a relationship to grow gradually, as it should.

Though I’m discouraged romantically, I am still happier than I’ve been in almost 2 years. I feel as though I can breathe again. I no longer feel suffocated, or as though I must watch every single thing I say or do. My time is my own again. I can do fun things with my children, I can work on my writing or read my book, I don’t have to stay up half the night wracking my brain for something to talk about with someone I really don’t want to talk to anyway.

I have my life back.

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