My son is super competitive. He is a great athlete but has a terrible time losing. It’s frustrating because even if he scores all of the touchdowns in football, he gets so upset if he misses one pass. He focuses on the negative and even if he plays really well, he’s crushed if his team loses. He is so hard on himself and he is only 6! We discuss the usual, “it’s not winning that’s important, it’s having fun and trying your best” and we focus on the process (“you looked like you were having so much fun out there”) and not the result (“you got 3 touchdowns and you won”), but it doesn’t help. What else can we do? - Liz C., Portland, OR

Before I answer the actual question, I want you to be honest about whose reaction we are talking about. Please make sure this negative attitude is not a reflection of either of you as parents or your son’s coach. If your son is picking up these highly competitive vibes from adults, this could be destructive to him later on. I have seen “stage parents” in the sports world that put so much pressure on their kids it is heart breaking. Most of these children crack under the pressure of trying to live the lives their parents wish they had lived.

Children who choose their own sports usually put into the sport what is right for them. Children know when they are doing well and when they are not doing well. If parents try to provide too much support through extra coaching, tutors, extra practices, etc. the message is you “child” are not good enough. Part of the benefit of sports is learning how much is enough and the value of winning and losing.

That being said, as a highly competitive person myself, this question is a little harder to answer. There is a fine line between being competitive enough to actually be a winner and driving yourself so hard you burn out and lose the joy of the competition.

So where does this leave you as a parent? Since your attempts at redirecting your son’s perfectionist thoughts aren’t working, let’s try a different approach. There are two things to consider: What happens if he does lose, and How to acknowledge his drive as positive without encouraging him to implode.

I am suggesting starting with listening to what he is actually saying in a reflective way. When he focuses on the negative, just repeat what he last said. For example, he says, “I am so mad that we lost this game!” You say, “Lost the game?” He will say, “Yea, we lost the game and it makes me really angry (or something like this)”. You say, “Really angry, huh?” He will say, “Yea, it makes me really angry when…”

Now, you are getting to something that actually can be discussed. Keep repeating his last few words until you get a story that makes some sense. For example, your son may say, “It makes me so angry when Frank doesn’t even run for the ball.” And he may go on to describe his 6 year-old interpretation of someone not really engaging in the same manner as your son. Your son may say, “I really try, I go to extra practices… and Frank just wants to play legos.” It will be your job to try to distinguish if your son is trying to tell you that what he is doing is too much, or if he too wants to play legos or if he really wishes Frank would try harder.

In any case, this is your opportunity to begin the process of helping your son understand that others have likes and dislikes too. At 6-years-old, this is a difficult concept to understand. Your son’s world is singular to him as is age appropriate.

At the same time, if your son is choosing to be highly competitive in football, then let’s start helping him learn that to review both the strengths and weaknesses of the game he played is the way all the great athletes approach their sports. Obviously your son is good at recognizing his weakness, but pointing out the importance of studying what was done well so these actions can be repeated will contribute to improving his game.

You may want to have your son listen to some of the exit interviews with recognizable sport figures such as Tiger Woods (golf), Matt Cassel (football), or LeBron James (basketball) after they have lost a game or tournament. Most of the time these men will acknowledge a bit of what went wrong, but will immediately focus on what went right and how they are looking forward to coming back to do these things right again.

The exit interviews set the stage to talk about the value of losing. First of all, to play football takes two teams. If one team always wins, and the other always loses, the second team will eventually get discouraged and quit. Then the first team won’t have anyone to compete against – no one gets to play. And, what if every player got as angry and upset about losing as your son? Great players realize that to improve takes energy – they direct the energy that would have gone for anger towards practice and the next game. Negative energy is always turned into positive energy.

Finally, while we all know it is more fun to win than to lose, as a parent, you need to know it is very lonely at the top. If your son does excel as you describe, realize that other children may be jealous and/or sometimes mean. This is where learning how to be both a good loser and a humble gracious winner becomes critical. When your son loses a game, help him understand that this is how the other kids feel when they lose to him, and to that end, help him learn how to be a supportive winner to those he has beaten.

Good Luck with your son. It would be wonderful to see him grow up to be a role model of gracious humility while excelling in his sport. Can’t wait! Keep me posted.