The Top Five Reasons I'll Never Cut it as a Stripper

By Casey Berna on July 2, 2012

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So... yes, I was one of the thousands of women who went to see the movie “Magic Mike” on opening night this weekend. My friend sent out this convincing email on why we all needed to go out, and how much fun this would be. Why is this even noteworthy when thousands of women did the same thing this weekend? Well, you would have to know me a little better to understand why.

I am still traumatized by the local clothing store that had one open women’s dressing room where my mom would take me when I was younger to try on jeans and buy them. In high school, I wore my gym outfit under my uniform so I wouldn’t have to change in front of the other girls. The first bikini I ever wore was on my honeymoon, and I’ve scarcely worn one since then. I can count on one hand the number of times I have said the word "penis." Mooning and ass-slapping make me terribly uncomfortable. Some would call me proper or prudish and I would completely agree.

Inspired by the quote, “Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new,” I decided to see the movie. What would be the harm?

So, there was prudish me, sitting in a crowded theater of ravenous women who were thigh slapping, cat-calling, and whooping at the screen as the actors of “Magic Mike” shook what their mamas gave them, with little to no clothing. Deep breath. Dare I say I was entertained? I was. Dare I say I enjoyed the movie? I did. Dare I recommend it? I would!! Was I uncomfortable at some parts of the movie? I was, and yet I grew to love a lot of the characters in the movie, especially Magic Mike himself.

But my appreciation for the movie and sympathy for some of the characters involved still didn’t sway me to contemplate stripper life (shocking, I know). Here are the top five reasons why I can’t pursue a career as a stripper:

1. Work Hours

I have trouble staying up past 11 p.m. We saw a 9:50 p.m. movie, and let me tell you by the time we were driving home, I was so tired I was having trouble completing sentences. Like the characters in the movie, I often see the sunrise, but it is mostly because my daughter is poking me in the head telling me it’s time for breakfast.

2. Physical Requirements

My abs weren’t sculpted by God himself, which is clearly the only way the actors in this movie could have gotten those bodies. Now ladies, not to brag, but I just completed the exercise program P70x. You may not have heard of it. It is similar to Tony Horton’s P90x, but instead of doing all 90 days, you take twenty days off to drink too much wine with your husband and watch season finales of your favorite shows as they air. I am in the best shape of my life right now, but I still am not in “gyrating in only a thong” shape. I have never seen female strippers in person (only on episodes of CSI), but if they look at all like female versions of Joe Manganiello, I can’t cut it.

3. Previous Work Experience

I was educated as a social worker. I feel this isn’t a good background for being a stripper. I would want to ask “clients” detailed questions before lap dances. “I see you are turning 21 tonight, so what are you majoring in? Do you have a job planned for after college yet?” “Sir, I must ask you, does your fiancé know you are here? Would she mind this lap dance? Can we just call her to check?”

4. Rhythmic Skills

I don’t have good rhythm. Okay, so I have the type of rhythm that allowed me to tap dance up until 8th grade and go swing dancing without embarrassing myself. But, my milkshake would not bring anyone to my yard and I am not able to shake my moneymaker. What would I give to have an ounce of Channing Tatum’s amazing dance moves? I am not sure. But they are really good.

5. Gyration Issues

Let us all review the definition of "gyrate": To move or cause to move in a circle or spiral, esp. quickly. Dance in a wild or suggestive manner. Let me say that there was a whole lot of gyrating in “Magic Mike”. I think gyrating on inanimate objects and strangers is probably 78% of what stripping entails, and I am just not sure if I could be successful at it.

Unless strippers start working during the day, wearing more clothes, and dancing in tap shoes to “In the Mood,” I feel as though it is not in the cards for me.

Now, would I be able to be a stripper if my life or the life of my child depended on it? I sure hope so. One of my favorite characters from literature is Fantine from the novel turned famous Broadway musical, “Les Miserables.” She is maybe one of the most compassion-inspiring characters of all time, eventually having to turn to prostitution to care for her daughter. Being that I am lucky enough to have an education, I am grateful that it probably will never come to that.

Moral of the story? Take a group of your lady friends and go see “Magic Mike.” We had a fun night out and the movie made me laugh and I was entertained. Although I don’t believe in objectifying men or women in Hollywood, I will quote the lady behind me when Matthew McConaughey first came on screen, “Oh my Jesus. Take it all off!”

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