- At Home
The Genesis of the End...
Ah, yes, the final years of high school arrives and there are meetings, college tours, SAT exam dates, prom dates, senior dues to pay, senior pictures, yearbooks to buy then preserve with all the signatures and lastly, but not least...graduation. You clutch wads of Kleenex to your bosom as tears flow unheaded from your eyes...every Mom gets to experience this heart wrenching day - if she is very lucky...
That's the core of motherhood isn't it? If you are very lucky you will witness your children grow up and forget all about you, if you are lucky, if you do your job just right...In those last moments of the genesis that will lead to your irrelevance in your offspring's life - you forget (or at least I did) life goes on.
Them Vs. You
For young adults there is a heady roar of "CHARGE!!!" to be heeded by every fiber of their soul and they seek to answer that roar along with the throng of their peers...Even at my age, I remember that call! The beat, the throb, the ache to get out from under my parents thub. I recall the need to soar finally or fall - whatever destiny would will - so be it!!! Yet, I will soar or fall on my own - Darn it! I felt contempt for my mother and any attempt she made to get in my way...respectfully yet silently - I jubiantly took my place in the world on my own...Freedom was good!
As a mother of two sons who left, I felt relief. Relief that they were not in jail nor dead. I had a list I was working against as a mother myself...it is of no consequence really...A mother bird has a list, a mother lion has a list, etc. Protect them, feed them, clean them then cut them loose...Then what do you need to do? Live life for yourself. Some mothers I know started over with a new batch of babies...I wrote some books and published some poetry. On a good night, I am at open mic performances groaning about the neglect my sons dish out - but I'm faking it..they are not supposed to call. They have their lives and it's about time I have mine!! This is how life is SUPPOSED to be and IT IS FABULOUS!! There is no need of them visiting, I am never home. There are no Sunday dinners, I don't cook anymore...More days I have some fresh green beans or a peanut butter sandwich and go back to writing or grab some almonds as I grab my camera and head out the door!! No, I don't want marriage and I am too fulfilled to be lonely... Love, well that comes from the "inside" and I have all I need. Sometimes, I run across some man who tries to lie his way into my heart, but I am not misled...That whole couplehood thing I don't need...I know where I want to go and when and have no need for an escort, chaperone or pest to explain to me what I am experiencing on an excursion. I meet lots of new people, some are creeps, some are jerks and some are quite lovely...
In the end, is the same as the beginning...everyone goes away and you are left by yourself. In the end, you can have loved, protected and passed life on to others to do with that gift what they will...Sometimes, you are presented with little beings who share your viewpoints and values, other times you are presented with the monstrous and the profane who embarrass you at every turn. Does it matter? No, not really...Gacey, Bundy etc...were babies at one time and had a mom...Does it really matter what they will go with the life they are graced with? Not really. You raise them the best you can and you let them go - they come through us but we don't own them. Either they will be responsible or they won't. Either they will be axe murderers or they won't. Life holds no guarantees for any of us...still we love and we protect and we teach and we hope and we do what we can because at the end of the day that's what a good mother does. It's who she is.
When that last suitcase is packed and headed to university, the dust settles and you can see clearly...for the first time in many years. The calendar is empty. The grocery list must be modified. The laundry room has not one load of clothes that need to be washed. The prospect is un-nerving at first. What I felt was tired...so I took a nap. Then I went and got my nails done, booked a trip to Las Vegas to have some champayne and strawberries with cream! It was glorious! Empty nest syndrome took some getting used to but I did it! ;-D