How Did This Start?

By Desiree Bubb on May 3, 2012

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    How did this start...that is the question. No, not how did we get here or anything like that. But all the little steps and big leaps that brought us mothers to where we are today. For me, it started when I met my husband.
    Back in November of 2007 I met my husband. A goofy looking Marine that just gotten back from his first tour in Iraq. And here I am feeling like I am ready to really have fun here in my 20's. Well to make a long story short, we met and a couple weeks later I find out I'm pregnant and BOOM. We've been together ever since. Our young love has blossumed every year since we've been together. But with our oldest daughter being our first. We really had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. Not to say that having her wasn't a blessing because without her our world would never be the same. Though before I had her & met my husband I was hiding things in my life that were so deep I forget they were even there. So when I was pregnant I wasn't depressed but I started getting these racing thoughts, worrying about things that were so small. I know everyone says that comes with the hormones but I don't think that thats always it. After I had my eldest daughter I had the baby blues but it went away. During the three years before having my other baby girl I did experience many signs of a Major Depression. Denying you have such a disorder when you have this feeling you have it is dangerous. Because then you just start spiraling down even more.
    Once my youngest was born December 24, 2011 I took charge. I denied any help and became supermom. But I had so many weaknesses and 3 weeks later I shut down. I wanted nothing to do with my children, my husband my family, I wanted OUT! Now don't judge but I got to the point where I didn't want to be living. I was sent to a Psych Floor in the local Hospital, let me say it is not as scary as you think. Because when you hear a "Psych Unit" and "Psych Ward" whats the first thing you picture? Crazy people running around talking to themselves and stuff like that right? Well it's not what went on here. Being there was a lifesaver, granted I kept getting discharged and then going back in to be admitted. Why do you ask did I keep going back? Well honestly I just was never ready to leave. I wanted to be home with my girls, my husband, I wanted to be home. My youngest hadn't seen me for a month & a half. She would only see me for a hour everyday. That wasn't enough though. I was feeling so guilty for being guitly. Now what could I do?

xo-Desiree

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