The End, the Beginning or Who Will Hang the Towel Bars?

We were yelling, we were saying awful things out loud, and under our breath.  I looked over to see my daughter’s soulful almond eyes looking our way…sadness.  I looked at my husband; he looked at me. We looked at her….we knew.  I wish I could tell you this was an isolated incident that normally we constructively worked out our differences, that we just “lost our cool”.  But sadly, that was not the case.  In fact, I hardly could recognize myself.  I was using words and a tone I savored solely for the purpose of belittling and demeaning my partner.  I never spoke to others in this fashion.  And so, the decision was made, we would not continue to raise our children in a home where people could not express tenderness and affection for one another.   Believe me when I say, we spent 18 years together, we didn’t just toss it to the curb, we tried, Lord we tried.  It was never as dramatic as one of us having an affair, or hiding debt, or having some mad porn or alcohol addiction.  We just could not let each other “be”.  There is nothing lonelier than having someone to love standing right in front of you, and not being able to love them.

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And so, I began to cry. and cry, and cry.  I read all the books: Eat Pray Love, books on “crisis”, Chopra’s collection, etc…and, I painted, and I cried, and I journaled and I cried, and I hugged my children, and I cried even harder.  You see, it didn’t really matter how much I wanted or didn’t want the break up, or even what was at its core.  My marriage was “breaking up”.  I was venturing into strange lands; I was going to be single again.  I didn’t even know what that meant. Who will hang the towel bars, fix the faucet, and meet the burglars at the door?  It was my death of old life, birth of new.  Most importantly, I was saying goodbye to something I had known so intimately.  Even though I could not live with the man, I still had a love for him.  I had to acknowledge the loss.

I spent so many, many years angry and unhappy, I felt sick.  And so, I vowed to myself, my children, my G-d, that I wouldn’t waste another moment harboring resentment.  What this required was a mind shift in the way I viewed my plight: divorce.  I began to see that I could make this one of the great opportunities of my lifetime.  If I was ready and willing I could create a great adventure filled with lessons that could potentially provide me with vision and wisdom. I made a commitment to compassion, and to practice it regularly. I made a mantra…”I just want him to be happy, I just want him to be loved”.  I intentionally projected only feelings of caring and concern.   Often I would ask my ex, “What can I do for you”.  I did these things, (regardless if he had done something recently to irritate me, or was being “pissy” that day), to keep my focus on the intention, the prize, the happiness.  And slowly but surely, I felt the weight of the sadness being lifted off of me.  And, I remembered that I was once very fond of this man, the father of my children, the man I shared a home with for 18 years.  I felt a calming.  I could visualize a life of peace, of hope, of joy.  When I acknowledge the reality that I could only control myself, my own feelings, actions and reactions, I could just let him “be”.  And, you know what, it worked, it is working, and, this behavior, this focus and intent has set the tone and planted the seed for selflessness, and respect in our new life together.  We are constantly negotiating and juggling the rules, but we are raising our children as a family.  Separate, and yet a family.