The Art of Curse Word Substitution
by Casey Berna
The other day, I dropped a cast iron skillet on my pinky toe. I was aware my daughter was in earshot, so I let out a long string of faux curses that I always say, “Mother of goodness…holy bananas… mother farger, that hurt!”
I then limped around my kitchen until I was able to see straight again. My daughter hearing the crash and my yelp called in from the living room, “Mom, are you okay?” I assured her I was fine, picked up the skillet and went back to preparing dinner.
After my toe injury, I started wondering what words other parents use in lieu of curses. I reached out to my Facebook and Twitter community to see what other people had to say. What I received in return was a hilarious and sometimes surprising list of G-rated words used when an R-rated word is not acceptable.
Ten Ways In Which to Avoid Using Curse Words
1. When another driver cuts you off on the road, you can call him a “Son of a Biscuit!”
2. When your insurance company hangs up on you after you’ve waited almost an hour to talk to a live person shout, “Well, sprew you, you mother trucker!”
3. When your neighbor lets his dog poop on your lawn for the 100th time and doesn’t pick it up you can call him a “Forging Bass Stitch.”
4. When you stub your pinky toe on the bedpost in the middle of the night best to say, “You Motha Jumpa!”
5. When you are quickly trying to bake a cake for your mother-in-law and you realize after you’ve put it in the oven that you forgot to add the sugar you can say, “Oh applesauce!”, “Oh coconuts!”, or “Oh my peas!”
6. When your child promises she did not eat the whole box of cookies right before dinner despite the mounting evidence against him you can call him out on by saying, “Bullfeathers!” or “Bulldinkie!” or tell him he’s "full of soup.”
7. When you only realize it is school picture day, after everyone’s in the car, feel free to smack your forehead and exclaim, “Frick!” or “Fudge!” or even yell “Curses!” in your best pirate voice.
8. When your child, who is just starting to wear underpants, decides to wait until he gets to the top of the steps to pee so it cascades down all twelve stairs, culminating in a puddle on the first floor you may shout, “Cheese and Rice!”, “Horse Hockey!”, “Heavens to Betsy!” or “Sugar Boogers!”
9. After finally taking a second to use the bathroom, and returning to find your two-year-old has reached into the litter box and is playing with your cat’s feces, try whispering under your breath, “Skittlefarts!” or “Shuckerdoodles!”
10. If all else fails, use the phrase my co-workers’ grandma always used, “Oh, bad words!”
What are your favorite faux curse words?
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