Parenting Secrets: 7 Horrifying Facts About Raising Boys

by Jacki Hayes

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1. Pokemon, Bakugan, LEGOS, Ninetendo DS…(Whatever it is) ROCK

There will be something that your son is intensely interested in (obsessed with) that you could not care one flying leap about.

He will talk about it incessantly and in great detail until you feel the need to stick a fork through your ear canals in order to free yourself from the pure torture.

2. Once he pees outside, he will never stop

I know it must be grand to whip it out and pee anywhere and everywhere, but once your son discovers this ability and joy, he will never want to stop, even if he is just 5 short feet from an indoor bathroom.

3. Farting is the funniest thing EVER

Not only is it funny, but it must be done and then announced at every single occurrence. And if someone else farts, we cannot allow them their dignity, we must proclaim it loudly for all the world to know. And then make-up songs to sing about it. Or fake it all with the famous arm-pit fart.

4. Burping is the next funniest thing EVER

Your son will guzzle whatever drink is near at hand just so he can produce the greatest burp possible. He will attempt to say the alphabet while burping, he will say burp while burping, he will do whatever he can while burping. He will rank his burps, and he will do this all at your family dinner, at a restaurant.

5. Feet stink like death

Do not, for the love of all that is holy, place your son’s feet, socks, or shoes closer than 25 feet from your nose unless you want your nose to literally peel off your face and run away. I suggest placing all footwear outside at all times, in a gallon of Febreeze.

6. Teeth can somehow get brushed without ever getting the toothbrush wet

I don’t get this one. You tell them to go brush their teeth, they stay in the bathroom for 45 minutes, and they still manage to come out having forgotten to brush their teeth. Then you ask them if they did and they are adamant that the teeth have been brushed, and yet the toothbrush is as dry as the Sahara.

7. They grow up, and none of this changes.

This is the scariest fact of all.

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