Dear Dr. Irene,

It’s mother’s day and once again all I want to do is cry.  Except for my first mother’s day (a celabration arranged by a friend), they’ve all been a disaster. 

I’ve tried to be clear on what would make me happy - brunch.  All I want to do is go out to brunch with my husband and 7 year old.  I started telling him 2 months ago.  He even asked about it earlier this week, and I told him again.  So what happened today?  He gave me a nice card.  Oh, and made the bed.  That’s it.  Nothing more.  Over all he is a loving, sweet and dependable husband and father.  But I don’t know what to do about this. 

My birthday the last couple of years has been the same way.  We’ve even gone to marriage counseling about it - he says nothings wrong, he’s just bad about these things (he certainly wasn’t before we married).  Promises to “make up for it” aren’t followed through - he even promised the therapist to do something (given specifics and a timeline) and it didn’t happen.  This passive aggressive act is really getting to me, and effecting our marriage. 

What am I doing wrong??

So glad to see I am not alone. I thought maybe I was just the most ungrateful people on the planet. I too let it be known what I would really appreciate on Mother’s Day. Flowers and a nice meal with my family. (I also saved a perfume card from a magazine on the fridge in case they wanted to go nuts). I got the nice meal, because I organized, cooked, cleaned etc. The only flower I got, however, was from the nice lady at the local liquor store when I was picking up some wine for our Mother’s Day lunch. And while my 12-year-old daughter made me an adorable handmade pillow that I will treasure forever, my husband got me a CD I already had and a book to add to the stack of books I can’t wait to read when I have the TIME one day. (We have an 11 month old too).
My husband asked me this morning “Do you forgive me?” And I said “No, why should I, I’ll just set myself up for disappointment next time.” We’ve been through this before. He forgot my birthday last year and then forgot to make it up the next day. By day three I was pretty upset ...
So, today he took the baby with him to do errands and I am supposed to cram in something “nice for myself ...”

I don’t think any Mom should feel guilty about not feeling appreciated. I know there are some Moms who are happy with just a card and flowers, but I am not one of them. I feel that I have THE hardest job on the planet. My kids are 12,9,7,1&2;. This past mothers day, my husband got me a gold-filled locket that says “Mom”. The thought was nice, yes, but I’ve been with this man for 10 years. He KNOWS That I have problems wearing yellow gold so I stick to silver or white gold. and gold-"FILLED" WTF? For what he paid $14 (I found the receipt), I’d have rathered he get me a cute accessorizing necklace or some bangles or something (that requires WAY too much thinking though!) I’ve been asking for a Mothers ring since baby #3 (7 yrs ago). I always get the same excuse. Our anniversary is may 18th so if he spends too much on Mothers day, he won’t be able to get me a nice anniversary gift. Let me add he’s never broken the bank or “wowed” me on our anniversary either........oh wait, 3 years ago he did get me a movado watch. The only reason he got me that was because we met this wholesaler and were able to get a $900 watch for $300. And I guess the fact that I begged and threw a fit helped some too. But who wants to have to do that? No mom should have too.....ever. I found an add for the Lenox mothers ring about 4 yrs ago. He has had several copies in his possesion. Every time he “loses” it, I replace it........ALREADY FILLED OUT!!!!! The best part is that you can pay for it in four installments. So for $24.00, they will ship you a custom made Mothers ring. When I think of all the useless gifts I’ve gotten over the past few years, I could have about three mothers rings. Last year,my daughters talked him into going to “build-a-bear” to “supposedly” make me a bear. They came out with with three bears. It cost my husband $75. Those bears now sit in their bedrooms. He’s too naive to realize they hosed him for a free trip to build- bear. My kids didn’t really have me in mind. All I could think about was what a $75 gift certificate to Victoria’s Secret, or Bath & Body works would have meant to me. The worst part is my hubby will lie and tell me he spent a lot more than he did on something so there isn’t money left over to go to a nice brunch etc. He told me my locket cost $60 so he didn’t have money to take us to eat at the resteraunt I wanted to go to (Men.......if you’re gonna lie, then at least hide the receipt). We did Bob evans instead which made my kids happy. But since when is mothers day about the kids? I have the same dilema he does. Fathers day is usually about 3 weeks after our anniversary. I already have both gifts purchased. I know that EVERY year, both of these hoidays occur, so I prepare by shopping in advance or setting money aside. I have gone above and beyond so many times for my husband. A few years back, my husband made it clear that he wanted to go see the band “Tool” for his b-day, and that even though the concert was a month before his b-day that was all he wanted. so I get on-line to get tickets to the venue near us but discovered that the weekend of his actual b-day, the band was performing in NYC which was only a two hour drive for us. The date of the original concert passes, he sulks, I say nothing. Meanwhile, I arrange for my in-laws to come for the day and I tell him we’re going into NYC for his b-day. I told him I had made plans for dinner etc. He wasn’t overly excited cause we had been to NY a bunch of times. During dinner, I look at the time, ask the waiter to hurry with the bill. My husband is like."what’s the rush”? i say....we have to get to Madison square Garden. He’s like “why”, I give him his b-day card that contained the tickets and said “unless you’d rather do something else...after all, it is NYC”. He about passed out when he saw the tickets. He was so excited. We were in the 13th row. He still talks to people about that b-day. I’ve done other things like that for him before as well. He has never once done anything like that for me......ever. Not a surprise dinner, romantic trip, nothing. I’ve stopped hoping cause like Heather mentioned, you only set yourself up for dissapointment. Besides, if he ever did do something like that, I’d probably drop dead and my kids would be left without a Mother. lol