Dani a.k.a thegirlfriendmom
My mission is to stay naked for my boyfriend, like a good girlfriend should, while at the same time, trying to domesticate myself for his kids. I'm in a committed relationship and living with a divorced father of two. Beware! This is what can happen when you sleep with a sexy Portuguese man. My work appears in such publications as, The Huffington Post, Evolved World, Blogher and Pilates Style Magazine.
thegirlfriendmom Author Alias
I need to take a moment and give pseudonyms to those that I am constantly writing and ranting about. From now on my boyfriend will be called, Reny (short for Renaldo), his daughter is Laura, and son is Luke. Yes, that was done intentionally and yes, I think it’s hysterical. Move on.
I had to have dermatological surgery last week. I'm okay; it's just another mole gone rogue. When my (new) dermatologist referred me to a particular surgeon, I didn't question the recommendation. Come to think of it, I didn't do much of a background check on my new dermatologist either, because she was in my insurance network.
I find it frighteningly easy to slip into a world of complacency, lounging on my divan (that’s couch to you and me), contemplating my navel, lost in thought, or knee-deep in my very important, life saving work, with all of my projects, deadlines, and Skype calls to my best friend who has to remind me how complacent I’ve become. Thank you, Clementine. You’re the best.
I will admit that it was only recently that I learned what LMFAO stood for.
I was listening to some parenting expert the other day (and really, aren’t all parents experts?), and the woman was commenting on how kids don’t know how to be bored. If they ARE bored, they don’t know how to entertain themselves without the use of technology. I loved this scene from Judd Apatow's "This is 40"... Debbie: We have decided to cut back on all of the electronics we use. Sadie: What?
Would you let your 17 or 18, or 19-year old daughter, and her boyfriend, share a bed if he slept over your house? Let's back up - would you ever even let your daughter’s boyfriend sleep over your house?
What's the difference between vaginal and clitoral orgasms? Is there even a difference? The answers may surprise you. Let's start this somewhat sensitive discussion with a brief anatomy lesson:
In honor of Chanukah, I’m re-posting this adorable tale from last year with some updates. I know it borders on lazy, but I’ve got latkes to make and gelt to buy. And it’s not like anything has changed. It’s as timely now as it was 12 months ago. Sad. But true. L’Chaim.
I initially published a version of this post back in January, but in light of Judy Blume’s announcement of her battle with breast cancer, I thought it was a nice shout to the woman who taught me about sex. Sort of. Enjoy.
I wrote this in honor of Passover AND Cher: I invited Cher, Baruch Hashem, to my parent’s house last year for Pesach. It had been on my ‘to do’ list for quite some time, but well, you know how it is. Life just seems to get in the way, and shit is put off for yet another day. But I finally moved it to the top of my list.
I was up early to meet my Pilates client on the upper east side. I hopped on the 6 train, and just for the record, getting on the subway during the morning rush hour is like taking part in the running of the bulls. You can easily get gorged in the behind if you’re not careful.
I'd like to think that I am a relatively sane person, although "insane" has been bandied about every now and again when describing my behavior. However, in the insane/sane production credits last night, insane definitely got top billing.
It wasn't long ago that I was laying in a fetal position, a big ball of regret, confusion and hopelessness, on the cold (and dusty) kitchen floor of my studio apartment in New York, located at the mouth of the Lincoln Tunnel. The depression that I have endured since I was a child had come back with a vengeance, testing my strength, resolve and ability to get up off of the floor.
My neighbor recently accosted me outside my house, as I was getting my mail. I say neighbor because I don't actually know her name. I only know her as Mustang Sally because, well, she drives a white Mustang, and I like the song. I've got both my boyfriend and his son singing it every time they see her car in the driveway.
In my continued struggle with boundaries and appropriate parenting, I found myself at dinner last night with my boyfriend, his daughter and her boyfriend - talking about bongs, sensimilla and one-hitters, oh my.
Guess who's coming to dinner... and staying for a month?! If you guessed a dapper black man named Sidney Poitier, sadly, you would be wrong. The answer: my boyfriend’s 18 year-old daughter. Ahh!
These are some actual J-Date e-mails that I received when I was on the site, looking for a man. To amuse myself, I commented on the e-mails (but I never sent them). I also never found a man - but when you read the gems below, it won't be hard to see why. Clearly, I thought that I’d want to use these one day.
I recently got hired as a Pilates instructor at a large and very chi-chi health club. Management asked if I would offer free demos to their members, as a way to introduce them to the Pilates method and also to meet me.
I live in a small beach town in New Jersey and as my profile states, no, I do not know Snooki. I don't lunch with any of the Housewives of New Jersey either. Although I'd love to be their personal Pilates instructor, so if anyone has an in, let me know.
My Lover and I were talking the other day about his twelve-year-old son having his first girlfriend. And I realized I’m not sure I can remember what girlfriend and boyfriend meant in seventh grade.
Girlfriend Mom’s Kid: "Were you in any movies, like the ones you see in the movie theater?" Girlfriend Mom: "Uh..."
Last week was Grandparent's Day at my nephew's school. Unfortunately my parents were out of town, so my sister-in-law asked me if I would step in. My nephew is also my godson, and I see him so rarely, I couldn't possibly say no.
My boyfriend and I just completed building a house and we're now decorating it. The following is a popular and frequent exchange, occurring several times a day: HIM: "How can you not like that?" ME: "Because it's ugly." Fade out.
My boyfriend and I went to a prom photo shoot at his daughter's friend's house. I'd never seen anything like it. Then again, I've never seen anything related to a prom because I didn't go to mine. And before anyone thinks that no one asked me, hush up. I was dating someone at the time but I didn't want to go. Corsages make my wrists look fat.
I went to see Hangover: Part Deux over the holiday weekend with my boyfriend and his son. It's rated R. I have a problem with taking a twelve year old to see R-rated movies. I can see that my objections might sound a wee prudish but isn't there plenty of time for kids to be exposed to boobies, and tushies, and hearing cussing like, "Fuck that shit man. You're an a-hole." Or sexually explicit language like, "He took it up the ass and loved it.
A few posts ago, entitled, Losing It, I wrote about my boyfriend's son's friend, Robert, who asked me for cash so he could get a snack when we were at the movies. I thought this was a case of one kid being rude. I was wrong. I'm starting to think that it might be an epidemic that's infecting our children.
I loathe having a television in our bedroom. I don't like to watch TV before falling asleep. I like to read. My bed partner, however, loves watching TV before bed and claims that he can't fall asleep without it. That's a hot steamy pile of turd, because on the few times when he didn't watch TV, and instead read, he was out like a light in less than 10 minutes.
Are kids lazy or ignorant? And by the way, neither is acceptable to this Girlfriend Mom. Elbows on the dinner table, watching TV while eating, not clearing dishes, slouching over their food... not okay. And as a Pilates instructor, slouching is like giving me the finger.