Worst First Dates

badfirstdate

Whether it’s from online dating, a blind date or a set-up of the brother of a co-worker, first dates stink! There’s really no other way to say it. You get yourself all put together; showered, hair done, nails done, cute outfit only to at best be disappointed. But if that’s the worst thing you get out of a first date, than you are doing better than most. I have been on countless first dates and I have to tell you that one has been worse than the next. The guys are nice enough, but without fail I have had more horrendous first dates than any woman should have to admit. Don’t get me wrong, they’ve led to some great second dates, but none-the-less they have been awful.

Let’s take online dating’s first date shall we? Guys from online sites are super assertive. I say assertive and not aggressive because it’s not like they are slamming you over the head with a bat to go out with them, but they hold nothing back in terms of getting straight to the point. My online date arranged for us to meet at a spot in between both of our locations that I knew well. I had dolled myself up and was on my way when I was hoping and praying we’d be able to sit somewhere, have a bite to eat and get to know one another. Well, much to my dismay, shortly after we arrived, the place turned into a night club. One glass of wine, to glasses of wine and no food in sight. Three glasses of wine and now the room was spinning. I still had my barring’s but barely. Three glasses and two sips into glass number four of wine and the hope for food was gone and so was I. I proceeded to spend the next hour or so going in and out of the ladies room vomiting. That’s right! I was THAT girl. Thankfully he didn’t leave me there stranded and even offered to drive me home. That was where things went from bad to worse. It took us over an hour to get less than 4 miles because he had to keep stopping the car so I could get out and get sick. It wasn’t pretty, it wasn’t pretty at all.

Blind dates are no better. I had a friend that’s been happily married for a very long time call me from a bar saying she just had the nicest chat with a guy she thought would be perfect for me. She called to see if it was ok to give out my number. I thought, hey why not? The next day he text me and we chatted a bit, then he called and we talked on the phone for a day or two, then the dreaded set up for the first meeting came. He seemed eager, but not assertive/aggressive like online guys. The first indication that something may be off with this first date was when he asked if I wanted to go for a hike on a deserted trail by his complex at dusk. Seemed very Criminal Minds, but I let it slide and we agreed to coffee at his complex outside in broad daylight surrounded by people. I got to the park bench where we were to meet and as I saw him approach I thought it was a bad joke. WHAT? This is who she thought would be perfect for me? Did she not know me at all or was she simply being mean. It wasn’t necessarily his looks, but his demeanor was very Silence of the Lambs. We said our hellos and about three quarters into a very strained conversation he asked “Do you want to see my storage unit in the basement of my apartment?” All the hairs went up on the back of my neck and I could envision the remainders of fingers missing fingerprints and limbs that had been dismembered from his last first date. I left almost in slow motion as to not make any sudden moves.

Which brings me to the set up: I have become most of my friend’s “relationship” project, where they are all vying for the opportunity to set me up and be the ONE that finds me the ONE. Some have had no teeth, some have recently gotten out of prison, and some have even been recovering addicts of some sort. None of which, sadly were the ONE for me. Then, on a last ditch effort, I agreed to one more set up. You need to have your life together or at least the appearance that your life is together; being that no one really has their life together. You need to be funny and intelligent and stand for something or at least admit you stand for nothing. So I get all dolled up, again and make my way to the restaurant. This guy was cute and funny and intelligent and seemingly Mr. Wonderful. So I waited for the shoe. You know the one that drops just as things are getting good. This was not a terrible first date at all, or at least not from my point of view. It ended after a phone call from his kid, where I decided, based on what I’d heard that it was time to go. I got the check, we walked outside, and I did the truly uncomfortable first kiss goodnight, which ended up being more like a chicken pecking out the eyes of an assailant. Next day I get a text from the setter upper and she asked me what the hell I did! I was dumbfounded, what did I do? I did nothing, except miss his face and purse my lips for a terrible and only memorable for its painfulness of a first kiss. Apparently when I got the checked and hurried us out, he felt like I wasn’t into him and then the kiss, which I fully take responsibility for put him off. So even though I thought it was a great first date, come to find out, it sucked from his end. Not the entirety of it, but the latter half. Oh well you can’t win them all.

Moral of the story? First dates stink! They are not for the faint at heart. They will go wrong; they may even go right and still go wrong. All in all, you have to resign yourself to the first date, so you can get to the second, third and happily ever after.

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