Good communication skills are important for building and retaining a strong relationship. You need to communicate feelings. If talks with your spouse often end in shouting matches or hurt feelings, a tweak in how you communicate is in order. Next time you broach a tender subject, take these steps to keep the communication flowing more harmoniously.
Step 1
Get to the point. In general, men like simple thoughts they can act on, and women like honesty. Wrap up your thoughts in a simple package and avoid discussing more than one subject at once to avoid complicating the matter. For example, say “The trash needs to be taken out every afternoon” instead of “You need to start taking the trash out every day, and you need to wash the car–oh, and you need to get cheese at the grocery store…”
Step 2
Don’t accuse. Accusations put the other person on the defensive. Defensiveness leads to arguments. Try to state the problem without blame. Use your feelings to convey the message. For example, say, “I feel hurt when I don’t see you after work,” instead of, “You need to stop staying out all night!”
Step 3
Take time to listen. You can’t act on or sympathize with what your partner is saying if you don’t hear it. This means turning off the phone, television and computer, if need be, to hear your spouse correctly and respectfully.
Step 4
Remember, the sexes listen differently. A study conducted by Dr. Joseph T. Lurito (see Resource) found that men listen with only half their brains, whereas women listen with their whole brains. This means that a woman can listen to two conversations at once, while a man may be able to watch television with the sound down and still carry on a conversation. Although these methods may seem rude to the other spouse, they don’t necessarily mean the other person isn’t giving you attention.
Step 5
Don’t interrupt. Even if you feel the burning need to jump in and correct what your partner just said, don’t. This makes your mate feel as if he has nothing to contribute. Besides, constantly correcting your partner will serve no purpose but to make her angrier.
Warnings
- Avoid traps. Most couples play with traps every now and then. One partner says something to get the other to admit to something. This makes your marriage into a game and ruins the trust needed to communicate effectively.
