School’s back in session! I had it all planned out… we’d get up nicely, coffee pot was on a timer, hot oatmeal and pancakes would be waiting alongside fresh squeezed orange juice… NOT! As luck would have it, the alarm didn’t go off! I sprung out of bed this morning in sheer panic! There I went, sounding like a boot-camp Drill Sergeant while flailing about and barking orders through the hallway to wake up my kids for school – “Up, up,… c’mon, c’mon! Out of bed, out of bed, in the shower, in the shower! Hurry, hurry! Grab some fruit, kids…PUT THOSE TWINKIES BACK, that sugar’s gonna wind you up (as I stand there with my sugary loaded coffee)! Out the door, out the door! GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!”
Pit Crew for Nascar
We made it into the car just in the nick of time. Now all the sudden I began to feel like I was part of a pit crew for a NASCAR racing team (a very slow one)…opening car doors, shouting orders again “Get in, get in, get in!” I realized one kid was missing… I honked the horn! I honked it again! “We’re going to be late! Everybody please get in and buckle up!” And we were finally off!
With Seconds to Spare!
As I rounded the corner, I noticed the makeshift crossing guard (my first thought: whose hot dad is that anyway? I allowed myself a flash of fantasy and pictured him only wearing the fluorescent orange vest…). I kept driving. I arrived in front of the school with only seconds before the school bell rang. I spotted the curb where there’s only a small area to unload kids. I safely claimed it! I kind of felt like a winner! With my car still idling, I ordered my kids: “Out of the car, out of the car, out of the car! Go, go, go, run, run, run, to class! WAIT, one of you forgot your backpack… HURRY, HURRY, HURRY!” Phew, made it!
One Down, 274 To Go
2:15pm — I picked up my kids from school… “In the car, in the car, in the car”… (only 274 more school days to go… what, just me?).
About the Author
Affectionately nicknamed the “Dysfunctional Housewife” by her comedy group, the popular “Funniest Housewives of Orange County”- Julie Kidd, a single mom with three children who is too busy to cook. When she calls her kids to dinner, they run to the car! Julie is the author of Momalogue, A Journey through a Single Mother’s Hood. Her jokes have been featured in Good Housekeeping and in numerous comedy books including: Comedy Thesaurus, She’s So Funny, Mom This Jokes For You, and Loves Funny That Way. Kidd has performed on numerous television shows, including: ABC’s The View, Life Moments, Iyanla, What’s Up OC, Inside this Edition and Next Big Star. Julie’s advice: Don’t take yourself too seriously… To be a wonderful parent is powerful, but to do it with a sense of humor is magical! For more visit www.THEFUNNYMOM.com
