I think it’s important to teach your kids to lie.
Like most parents, I spent years reminding them to tell the truth, be respectful, and answer adults politely. Honesty was important in our house, and I wanted my children to grow up understanding the value of trust.
But somewhere along the way, I realized there was another lesson I needed to teach them.
Not everyone deserves the truth. And sometimes, telling a lie is exactly the right thing to do.
Especially when it comes to their safety.
The Conversation That Changed How I Think About Lying
I remember having a conversation with my youngest about what to do if a stranger approached them while they were waiting to be picked up from school.
I gave them a hypothetical situation.
“Let’s say I’m running late, and you’re standing outside the school. Someone you don’t know walks up and asks if your mom is coming to get you. What would you say?”
My child thought about it for a moment.
“I’d tell them you were late.”
A perfectly reasonable answer. An honest answer. Exactly the kind of answer I’d spent years teaching them to give.
But it was also an answer that told a complete stranger something they didn’t need to know.
So I asked another question.
“What if they asked whether you were waiting alone?”
“Well, I would be.”
And there it was.
My child wasn’t doing anything wrong. They were simply following the rules I’d taught them: Tell the truth. Be polite. Answer when an adult asks you a question.
Except those rules don’t always work in the real world.
I explained that if someone they didn’t know asked whether they were alone, it was perfectly OK to say, “My dad’s right over there,” even if he wasn’t.
My child looked surprised.
“But that would be lying.”
“Yes,” I said. “And sometimes that’s OK.”
That was the beginning of a much bigger conversation about honesty, privacy, and why being safe matters more than being polite.
Your Child Doesn’t Owe Strangers Personal Information
Think about how we raise our children.
We teach them to say please and thank you. We encourage them to look adults in the eye, answer questions, and be respectful.
And generally, those are good lessons.
But I’ve come to believe we also need to be very clear about something: Being respectful doesn’t mean giving someone information they have no right to know.
Imagine your child is walking home from a friend’s house.
An adult stops and asks, “Where are you headed?”
Your child doesn’t have to tell them.
If someone asks, “Are your parents home?” your child doesn’t have to answer honestly.
If a stranger wants to know who’s picking them up, what school they attend, or whether anyone knows where they are, that information is private.
I want my children to understand that they have absolutely no obligation to satisfy another person’s curiosity.
And if they feel uncomfortable, they have my permission to lie, refuse to answer, or simply walk away.
Give Your Kids Permission to Be Rude
This might be the hardest lesson for some parents, myself included.
At some point, I was so focused on raising polite children that I almost forgot to teach them when politeness is not necessary.
As an adult (and as a woman), I’ve had many a conversation with a man who made me uncomfortable. Because I’d been raised to be polite, there were cases where I didn’t exit that conversation when I should have. And that was dangerous.
I want my child to know that they don’t have to be polite when someone makes them uncomfortable. I want them to understand that they should trust their instincts. I don’t want my child standing there trying to think of a nice way to end a conversation with someone who makes them uncomfortable.
I don’t want them worrying that walking away might hurt someone’s feelings. And I certainly don’t want them sharing personal information because they think refusing to answer would be disrespectful.
I want them to know that they can say:
- “That’s private.”
- “I’m not allowed to share that information.”
- “I don’t want to answer that.”
- “I have to go now.”
- “No.”
And if they don’t feel comfortable saying any of those things, they can simply leave.
No explanation. No apology.
I’d rather have someone think my child is rude than have my child feel obligated to stay in an unsafe situation.
The Little Lies That Can Help Keep Kids Safe
After that first conversation, I started thinking about other everyday situations where a child might feel pressured to tell the truth.
There are so many.
If someone asks whether they’re home alone:
Instead of saying, “Yes, my parents are at work,” they can say, “My parents are busy right now.” If someone comes to the door, they shouldn’t open it to answer questions.
If someone asks where they’re walking:
They can say, “I’m meeting my family,” rather than giving their destination or describing their route.
If someone asks who’s picking them up:
They can say, “It’s already taken care of,” and move toward a teacher or another trusted adult.
If someone online asks where they live or which school they attend:
They can refuse to answer, end the conversation, and tell me what happened.
If someone claims I’ve sent them to pick up my child:
They know they need to check with me or another designated caregiver through an established, trusted method before going anywhere.
The point isn’t to teach children to invent elaborate stories. In fact, I think keeping things simple is better.
A short answer, a refusal, or walking away is often the safest response.
But if a little lie helps my child protect their privacy and get out of an uncomfortable situation, I’m completely fine with that.
The Same Rules Apply Online. Maybe Even More So.
When I think about teaching my children to protect their privacy, I can’t ignore the place where they’re most likely to encounter strangers without me standing beside them: the internet.
Whether they’re playing online games, chatting on social media, or messaging someone they’ve never met in person, the questions can sound completely innocent.
“How old are you?”
“What school do you go to?”
“Are your parents home?”
“Where do you live?”
“What are you doing this weekend?”
Individually, these might seem like harmless questions. But put the answers together, and someone could learn an alarming amount about your child.
And here’s what worries me: Children who have been taught to always tell the truth might feel obligated to answer honestly, especially if they’ve been chatting with someone for a while and think of that person as a friend.
I want my children to understand that someone being friendly online doesn’t make them entitled to personal information.
If someone asks which school they attend, they don’t have to answer. If someone wants to know their real name, where they live, or when their parents are away, they can simply say, “I don’t share that information.”
And if they feel pressured to respond, I have no problem with them saying something that isn’t true to protect themselves.
But there’s an important distinction. I don’t want them creating fake ages to bypass safety restrictions or pretending to be someone else to access platforms they aren’t old enough to use. Those rules exist for a reason.
What I do want is for them to understand that their personal information belongs to them, and they get to decide who deserves access to it.
The National Center for Missing & Exploited Children’s NetSmartz program reminds families that online gaming conversations can expose children to people seeking sensitive information or trying to build inappropriate relationships.
That’s why I encourage parents to talk to their children about privacy settings, location sharing, usernames, photographs, and what information they’re revealing without even realizing it.
A photo in a school uniform, a mention of a favourite park, or a casual comment about being home alone can reveal more than a child intends.
And if someone online starts asking uncomfortable questions, insisting on secrecy, or pressuring them to move a conversation to another platform, I want my children to know they can stop responding, block the person, and come straight to me.
No embarrassment. No fear of getting in trouble.
Because the internet doesn’t change the fundamental lesson I’m trying to teach.
You don’t owe strangers the truth just because they’ve asked a question. And you certainly don’t owe them access to your life.
It’s Not Always a Stranger
One of the things I’ve learned about child safety is that focusing exclusively on strangers doesn’t tell the whole story.
The National Center for Missing & Exploited Children encourages parents to teach children to recognize unsafe situations and behaviors, rather than relying solely on the old idea of stranger danger.
That’s an important distinction.
Someone your child recognizes from the neighborhood, an acquaintance, or even an adult they know well can ask inappropriate questions or pressure them to do something uncomfortable.
That’s why I don’t want my children deciding whether to share information based entirely on whether someone seems friendly.
I want them to think about what’s being asked and whether that person actually needs to know.
If an adult asks my child to keep a secret from me, go somewhere without permission, or ignore a family safety rule, I want my child to know they can say no.
Even if that adult is someone they know.
Even if that adult is upset.
Even if that adult insists they’re only trying to help.
Make Sure Your Child Knows the Difference Between Privacy and Dangerous Secrets
Of course, teaching children that it’s sometimes OK to lie comes with an important responsibility.
We need to make sure they understand the difference between protecting themselves and hiding something from the people who are supposed to keep them safe.
I’ve always wanted my children to know they can come to me with the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Especially when it’s uncomfortable.
If someone frightens them, touches them inappropriately, threatens them, or asks them to keep a secret about something that feels wrong, I want to know.
And I never want them to think they’ll be punished for telling me. I can remember feeling that way as a child. And responding the wrong way. And keeping things from my parents. I’ve told my children about some of those times. Because I want them to understand they’re not alone.
I also explain that if they’re lost, injured, or in danger, it’s important to give accurate information to an appropriate person helping them, such as a police officer, emergency responder, teacher, or designated caregiver.
There’s a big difference between withholding private information from a stranger and telling the truth to someone who is genuinely helping you.
The message I want them to remember is simple:
“You should always try to be honest. But you never have to share personal information just because someone asks. If you need to lie to stay safe, you won’t be in trouble. And you can always tell me what happened.”
Practice Before They Need It
I think one of the biggest mistakes we make as parents is assuming our children will instinctively know what to do in an uncomfortable situation.
They won’t necessarily.
Especially if they’ve spent their entire lives being told to obey adults and answer questions politely.
That’s why I believe in talking through hypothetical situations before they happen.
What would you do if someone asked whether you were walking home alone?
What if someone you didn’t know said I’d asked them to pick you up?
What if an adult kept asking questions after you’d said you didn’t want to answer?
These conversations don’t need to be frightening. They’re no different from teaching our children to look both ways before crossing the street or to wear a helmet when riding a bike.
We’re giving them tools to make good decisions.
In Canada, the RCMP’s street-proofing safety advice also encourages parents to teach children not to answer personal questions from unfamiliar people and to leave situations that make them uncomfortable.
I want those responses to become second nature, so my children don’t have to stop and wonder whether they’re allowed to protect themselves.
I’d Rather Raise a Safe Child Than a Polite One
Don’t misunderstand me. I still believe honesty matters.
I still want my children to tell me the truth, take responsibility for their actions, and grow into trustworthy adults.
But I no longer believe that telling the truth is an absolute rule that applies to every person and every situation.
And I certainly don’t want my children believing that adults are automatically entitled to information simply because they’re adults.
Sometimes, the right answer is no answer. Sometimes, it’s walking away. And sometimes, it’s a lie.
If telling a stranger that their dad is nearby makes my child feel safer, I won’t lecture them about dishonesty—I’ll tell them they made a smart decision.
Because the lesson I want my children to carry into adulthood isn’t simply that they should always tell the truth.
It’s that they have the right to protect their privacy, trust their instincts, and set boundaries without feeling guilty.
Teach your kids to be honest. But teach them that they don’t owe everyone the truth.
And make absolutely sure they know that their safety will always matter more to you than their manners.
