How to Raise an Only Child: Myths and Truths
Adapted from Parenting an Only Child, The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only
You have to wonder why, when the U.S. Census reports that the single
child family is the fastest growing family unit, people tell parents
with only one child that they really should have another. Those
proponents of large or larger families claim your only child will be
spoiled, lonely, or selfish.
These social stereotypes and others date back to the 1890s and have no basis, in fact, one could question if they ever did. It is parenting style more than the number of siblings that influences how an only child–or any child for that matter–turns out.
So when someone, perhaps your parent, an in-law or friend, tells you that you need to have another child, here are the real facts about only children and the myth of misfortune that wrongly still surrounds them. The facts are based on decades of new research.
Myth: Only children are aggressive and bossy.
Fact: Only children learn quickly that attempting to run the show, a ploy that they may get away with at home, doesn’t work with friends and a bossy, aggressive attitude is a quick ticket to ostracism from the group. Lacking siblings, only children want to be included and well liked.
Myth: Only children prefer more solitary, non-competitive amusements because they are alone a great deal of the time.
Fact: This preference has more to do with social class than family size. The interests in these amusements stem from parental values and the home environment of middle- and upper-middle class families, which are more likely to have a single child.
Myth: All only children have imaginary companions to compensate for their loneliness.
Fact: There is no scientific evidence to support this. Jerome Singer, Ph.D., professor of psychology and child study at Yale University, confirms that the imagination required to create make-believe friends is not the exclusive property of the only’ child, the isolated, the ill or the handicapped. Imaginary friends serve a purpose of meeting a need — to confront loneliness, to combat a fear, or to compensate for feelings of weakness in relation to adults or older children. Any child can feel that need.
Myth: Only children are spoiled.
Fact: Being spoiled is a reflection of our society. The Chinese feared they were raising a generation of “little emperors” when their only child policy was in effect. Looking back 20 years later they found the only children were not particularly spoiled and found no difference in only children’s relationships with friends when studied with children who had siblings.
Myth: Only children are selfish.
Fact: Every child at one time or another believes the world revolves around him. “Selfish means you are thinking of yourself as opposed to others,” explains Michael Lewis, professor of pediatrics and psychiatry at the Robert Wood Johnson Medical School in New Brunswick, New Jersey. “The youngster who is unable to take the view of another is going to appear selfish. There are points in people’s lives, one of them being adolescence, when the energy is withdrawn. Hormonal changes and physical growth during that time may be particularly harsh and the energy to focus on others just isn’t there.” In the absence of siblings, parents cultivate the tools of sharing and feeling for others and are the best early teachers because of trust and faith children have in their parents. All parents can expect their toddlers and teens to act selfishly at times.
Myth: Only children must have their way.
Fact: Children with siblings often have more “who’s the boss” difficulties because they are constantly forced to share toys, television times, and parents. Kindergarten teacher Deejay Schwartz observes: “It’s the ones who have been jostled and have had to compete who are always trying to push someone down, to be first in line or yell louder in order to be heard. Onlies have always been heard and therefore function in a very calm way.”
Myth: Only children are dependent.
Fact: Because of adult guidance and lack of siblings to lean on, only children are
more self-reliant and independent than those who have brothers and sisters to fend for them.
Myth: Only children become too mature too quickly.
Fact: Children with siblings relate and talk to their siblings rather than their parents. The only child’s primary role models are parents. The result is that only children copy adult behavior as well as adult speech patterns and develop good reasoning skills early on making them better equipped to handle the ups and downs of growing up. A good thing, for sure.
Myths die hard and slowly. Pay no attention. Families with one child have outnumbered those with two children for two decades now. It seems the smaller, single child family is here to stay.
This article is a first in a series Modern Mom will run on raising an only child, as 35% of our readers surveyed have only one child. For more insight on this subject, check out Susan Newman’s Parenting an Only Child, The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only (Broadway Books), available at Amazon.com.
Social psychologist Susan Newman, Ph.D. teaches at Rutgers University in New Jersey, and is the author of 13 books, including The Book of No: 250 Ways to Say It and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever (McGraw-Hill), Little Things Long Remembered: Making Your Children Feel Special Every Day (RandomHouse/Crown), ), Little Things Mean A Lot: Creating Happy Memories with Your Grandchildren (Random House/Crown), and Nobody’s Baby Now: Reinventing Your Adult Relationship With Your Mother and Father. Visit Susan’s website: www.susannewmanphd.com
