Where Did My Libido Go After Kids? And How to Get it Back with Sofia Ashley

Where Did My Libido Go After Kids? And How to Get it Back with Sofia Ashley. In this candid episode of the ModernMom Podcast, certified sex coach Sofia Ashley gets real about the challenges of maintaining a healthy sex life after kids. As a mom and stepmom who’s reinvented her libido three times, Sofia shares her personal journey and practical tips for parents struggling to reconnect with their sexual selves. From debunking common myths about libido to offering actionable advice on how to reignite intimacy, Sofia brings the real talk and magic needed to transition-proof your sex life. Tune in for an empowering conversation on why a healthy sex life matters and how to get it back after kids.

Winnie: Welcome to Modern Mom: The Podcast—where motherhood meets ambition. Whether you’re raising kids, running a business, or both, we’re here with real talk, expert tips, and stories to help you thrive.

Today, we’re diving into a topic that so many moms relate to but rarely talk about: Where did my libido go after having kids—and how do I get it back?

Let’s be real. Between sleepless nights, endless snack requests, and trying to shower in peace, intimacy can fall way down the to-do list. But it doesn’t have to be that way. That’s why I’m thrilled to welcome today’s guest: Sophia Ashley.

Sophia: Thanks for having me! I’m so excited to talk sex—my favorite topic!

Winnie: Same here! Sophia is a certified sex coach, founder of The Happy Vagina Project and Sex After Kids. She’s also a mom and stepmom who has reinvented her sex life three times—once after each kid. Today, she’s helping us transition-proof our sex lives with practical skills, some fairy dust, and real talk.

Sophia, let’s start with your story. How did your own sex life shift after kids?

Sophia: I actually started my journey as a sex coach before I had kids, because I spent a good part of my 20s at war with my vagina. Orgasm issues, painful intercourse—it was a struggle. That’s what led to The Happy Vagina Project.

Then I became a stepmom to a four-year-old, and I remember thinking, “Wait a minute… I’m having married-with-kids sex, and I haven’t even had my own child yet!” The frequency was down, and my partner was exhausted. It wasn’t bad, just different.

Fast forward a few years, I had my daughter—and I had a lot of postpartum anxiety. My husband and I made an agreement: once a month, someone taps the other on the shoulder. It didn’t have to be glamorous—it just needed to happen. We always felt better and more connected afterward.

Winnie: That honesty is so refreshing. I love the concept of “maintenance sex” as a way to stay connected. What do you think are the biggest struggles moms face with sex after kids?

Sophia: So many! First, there’s the physical: birth trauma, painful intercourse, C-section recovery, pelvic floor issues. Emotionally, there’s this identity transformation called matrescence—kind of like adolescence, but for motherhood. It affects everything, including how you relate to your partner and your body.

Then there’s emotional labor—carrying the mental load of parenting and household management. If you’re caretaking your partner too? That’s not sexy.

The myth that your libido will “just come back” is so damaging. Sometimes, it won’t—unless you work at it. But that doesn’t mean your sex life can’t be great! You can have amazing intimacy even if your sex drive feels nonexistent.

Winnie: Such an important reminder. And for those thinking, “It should just come back naturally,” what would you say?

Sophia: That’s like expecting your body to bounce back overnight. Your body, brain, and life have changed. So has your sex life. Waiting for the fireworks to magically return isn’t realistic. But even the smallest spark—like the thought of getting naked with your partner—can be enough to start.

Winnie: Love that perspective. So what are your top tips for reigniting that spark?

Sophia:

1. Be gentle with yourself. Especially in the first few years of parenting. No pressure, just stay connected—hold hands in the dark, literally and metaphorically.

2. Prioritize your relationship. The best parents are the ones who are solid as a team.

3. Use intention, not pressure. Touch each other more, greet each other meaningfully, cuddle during Netflix.

4. Schedule “naked, sexy fun time.” Not rigidly, but as something to look forward to. Set yourself up for success—choose times when you’re rested and relaxed.

5. Communicate. Talk about why sex matters to you, to your relationship, and what you want it to look like in this season of life.

6. Upgrade your sex skills. The same old moves may not work anymore. Relearn your body and your partner’s—and make it fun!

Winnie: That’s so empowering. Where can our listeners learn more and connect with you?

Sophia: Check out my podcast Sex After Kids, or visit my website. I also hang out on Instagram @thehappyvproject. I’m your totally TMI bestie—you can’t scare me. DM me any time!

Winnie: You’re a gem, Sophia. Thank you so much for joining us. And to everyone listening—if this episode spoke to you, share it with a mom friend. Let’s normalize these conversations and keep supporting each other.

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