The Demure or The Exhibitionist? Locker Room Types Decoded

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Everyone has his or her own time zone when it comes to working out. Me? I’m a morning gym goer. I like to get up… well I don’t like to get up, but I prefer to get up early to work out.

A morning workout means I’m less likely to go off the deep end. It keeps me sane – as sane as I can be, working out in the morning – but it works for me. And as surely as birds fly in the sky, I’m sure that my children, husband and co-workers appreciate it as well.

Believe it or not, the gym is hopping at five o’early in the morning. There’s all sorts of characters pumping iron, treading the mill, and spinning their lives away. The oddballs come out in the early morning hours (I know because I’m one of them), but seriously the place could be a casting call for Jerry Springer. Maybe there’s a career change in my future?

Nevertheless, part of my daily morning ritual is showering at the gym two days a week. It saves time and my sanity. It’s also a guarantee that no little people will pop in to use the bathroom, ask me to tie their shoes, or tell me that their brother just called him a “poopie head.” I relish those two mornings. Yes it’s a pain in the ass to lug all my toiletries to the gym, but it’s worth every ounce of my well being. I need that small reprieve from “Mom, Mom, MOM can you wipe my butt?” at some point in the week.

Now while I’ve been doing my thing in the morning, I realized all too quickly that I like to watch people – not doing anything illicit, but just in their natural habitat. Now getting dressed in a gym locker room is tricky business. As I’ve been doing my own little dance, I’ve observed that there are three types of locker-room users: “The Demure,” “The Exhibitionist” and “The In and Out.” 

The Demure devotes every fiber of her being to be discreet. Much like a Russian gymnast, she will contort her body into any angle in order to stay covered from head to toe. Her body is not a wonderland, it’s a stealth missile -you just never see it. If she trips, falls, or God forbid her towel comes undone, she’s so ninja quick, her Betty barely sees the light of day. She’s also a germaphobe. She’ll have at least three towels, one to step on while she shimmies in and out of her clothes, one to wrap around herself to walk to the shower, and one for her hair. Her toiletries are in a neat little bag organized in alphabetical order. Her clothes are hanging in the locker on an organic hanger and she can undress, shower, get dressed, dry her hair, and put on her make-up in less than 30 minutes.

The Exhibitionist thinks of the locker room is her playground. You’ll see every mole, freckle, and wrinkle that adorns her body. She hides nothing. You’ll be so well acquainted with her Betty, you can nail her mood by a single glance at the grooming style. The winter Betty means she had a tough week and was too lazy to trim the hedges. A landing strip means she’s feeling confident and ready to take on the world. And the hardwood floor, well that means she closed a big deal, has a hot date, or won an Oscar. She wears her nakedness like a badge of honor. She nakedly walks to the shower, dries her body like a porn star, and blows dries her tresses in the buff, which frankly, I find a little dangerous. It takes her at least 90 minutes to get ready to start her day.

The In and Out is not as organized as The Demure and not as naked as The Exhibitionist. Basically, she teeters between the two depending on her mood. Her toiletries are toted around in a plastic Target bag, she’s a little bit of a germaphobe and makes sure she has two towels; one for the floor and one for the body, and if she forgets one, she will resort to standing on paper towels. Now this gal can shimmy out of her clothes quickly, but not as fast as The Demure. She’s shy, but if the towel slips and her Betty happens to peek out, she’ll blush and laugh about it. The In and Out forgets a lot of stuff: her underwear, shampoo, even her clothes, but she makes due and lets it all roll off her back. Basically, this gal just showers at the gym and dresses at the gym and does the rest of her primping at home.

Now in case you were wondering, I’m an In and Out. It took me a while to find the balance in my morning routine and in my body, but I’ve found the comfort zone in my workout zone, the big question is – have you?

Do you have any embarrassing bathroom stories? Share your Toilet Confession for the chance to win $10,000 from The Clorox Lounge!

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