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One More Day – Until My Breast Cancer Fears are Quieted

November 19, 2012 by blythenewsome Leave a Comment

I wrote a story about mammograms on October 31 to remind women to get them done annually.  It was supposed to be like any other story that I wrote- with a beginning and an end.  A set date that it would go to print and then I would move on to the next story. 

But this story that I did for Breast Cancer Awareness Month is still going on.

To recap, they found something in my left breast when I had the mammogram done.  It is so small that I can’t even feel it.  They called me back for a second mammogram to get a better look at it and then sent me for an ultrasound. 

This past Monday morning my phone rang.   I was surprised to hear that it was my doctor.  Not just my doctor’s office, but the doctor himself.  He told me he wanted to send me to a surgeon.  Whatever this is we need to figure it out and not wait and see if it changes in six months.  Let’s stay ahead of the game he said.  I agreed.

The surgeon’s office called me the next day and scheduled an appointment for me to come in tomorrow afternoon (I know- on a Saturday go figure).

I am not really nervous and really haven’t thought too much about it.  The upside to having six children is that I can throw myself into staying so busy with them that I don’t have to think about the stuff that scares me.  But the fear is there all the time.  And I am scared.  The fear seems to creep in about 1 or 2 in the morning when the house is quiet and everyone is still….everything is calm except for my mind.

That is when the thoughts start rolling through my mind, “what if I have breast cancer? would I want a lumpectomy or a mastectomy?; what if I need radiation or chemotherapy?; how will by babies handle this?; it’s probably nothing right?; it will be nothing right?”

I ask these questions and then there is silence.   The unknown, the lack of answers and understanding, it is terrifying.  This was supposed to be a story to help women remember to get mammograms.  It wasn’t supposed to find something wrong with me.  What if I do have breast cancer?

Hopefully I will get some answers tomorrow when I go see the surgeon at 1:50.  Maybe this story that I started about the importance of mammograms will finally be over and it was just a scare.  Maybe the story of the importance of mammograms is just beginning for me maybe it will be the story that saved my life. 

One more day-I can quiet my thoughts and my worries for one more day.  Then we will have some answers or at least a plan.  I can do this one more day. That will be my mantra until then- “I can do this one more day.”

You can reach Blythe at bnewsome@tallahassee.com

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About blythenewsome

In the blink of an eye I went from the suburban mom who had it all to a single mom of six facing divorce, death, and moving. So what do you do when life throws you so many curves? You pick yourself up and find out you are stronger than you ever imagined. Blythe Newsome
www.blythenewsome.com
www.singlesourcespeakers.com

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