The refrain around my house for the last week or so has been the usual stuff of early May: what do you want for Mother’s Day?
It started as a casual question, then became more urgent as the week went on, finally hitting a crescendo by Saturday afternoon.
The problem is, there’s really nothing I want for Mother’s Day. Or at least, nothing I can point to in a store window. Because that’s the thing about being a mother: it’s hard to translate a year’s worth of appreciation into a sweater or a piece of jewelry. Really, I think that all any of us wants is to be appreciated on a regular basis, and for sure more than once a year.
But I’ll make a list anyway. Next year, when the refrain begins anew, I’ll print it out and put it on my husband’s nightstand. If anything, I’ll get a little kick out watching him squirm. So here we go. The Top Ten Things I Would Like For Mother’s Day are:
1. For Mother’s Day, I would like for my daughter to stop rolling her eyes at me.
2. For Mother’s Day, I would like to freeze time and keep my son in kindergarten forever.
3. For Mother’s Day, I would like the parentheses around my mouth to disappear, without the use of cosmetic fillers which have the unfortunate effect of making women look like one of the Chipettes from The Squeakquel.
4. For Mother’s Day, I would like it if my husband would, in the future, change the lightbulbs the day they go out, instead of waiting for six months or until I throw a hissy fit about how I’m sick of living in the dark, whichever comes sooner.
5. For Mother’s Day, I would like handmade cards and art projects from my children, and a homemade mix CD of my favorite songs from my husband.
6. For Mother’s Day, I would like my kids to be careful enough with their food/drink/dirty hands to warrant me buying new couches for the den, so that I can finally replace the old couches that I am only keeping until the second that my children are careful enough to not get food/drinks/dirty hands on them.
7. For Mother’s Day, I would like, when my kids whine, to be able to change my name to Daddy. Or Joe. Or anything but Mommy.
8. For Mother’s Day, I would like for my dog to walk himself, and for him to pick up his own damn poop.
9. For Mother’s Day, I would like to be able to pee without someone walking in on me or urgently screaming or my name.
10. For Mother’s Day, I would like to be pleasantly surprised.
And for all of the other moms out there, I hope you had a wonderful Mother’s Day. And I hope that this year, all of your wishes come true. Because a girl’s gotta be able to dream, right?