What will I wear? Heather wonders as she carefully examines the thick ivory invitation. Cocktail attire on the beach at 5pm. Tricky. Her red Nicole Miller is too old. The Ralph Lauren would be perfect but it’s white. A wedding justifies the need for a new dress. Especially these days.
“We should plan to stay in Laguna for the whole weekend,” she says. “The Montage would be amazing.”
The sound of SpongeBob Square Pant’s nervous laughter fills the room.
“Turn it down!” Michael hollers to the kids in the family room.
“My mom could watch them,” Heather says.
“I didn’t even think you’d want to go,” Michael says and sets down the newspaper. “Didn’t you say before that you thought David was an ego-manic?”
“That was before he invited us to his wedding,” Heather says. “I have a new found respect for him. And he’s even marrying someone close to his age.”
Sponge Bob’s annoying cackle continues in the other room as Michael cracks his neck.
“Lately, it’s been one divorce after another,” Heather says. “This is a rare reason to celebrate: Two middle-aged people choosing to marry despite all of the carnage around them. I feel honored to be invited. ”
Michael shakes his head and takes a sip of his orange juice. “A weekend in Laguna is expensive,” he says and stands. “I’m going for a jog.”
“You’re not getting in shape because you’re getting ready to divorce me? Are you?” Heather says, joking but barely.
Michael kisses the top of her head. “You’re crazy,” he says. “Why would you even ask that?”
“Because exercise is the first sign,” Heather says. “Kyle lost twenty pounds before he left Samantha last summer.”
“That’s because he fell in love with his trainer,” Michael says. He bends down, ties his Nike running shoes and yells to the kids, “Turn it down or I’m turning it off.”
Heather sets the wedding invitation on the kitchen table. “Everyone who gets divorced gets into amazing shape,” Heather says. “I can’t stand it. Why do they all emerge so skinny and healthy looking? It’s annoying.”
“We aren’t getting a divorce,” Michael says.
“Thank God,” Heather says. “I swear, I couldn’t stand the thought of trying to get my twenty-something body back. And that’s what I’d need to attract a man in this town. And even then he’d still be sixty. It’s so depressing.”
“Sounds like you’ve put some thought into this,” Michael says and sits back down.
“I’d also have to invest some serious money into rejuvenating myself,” she says. “ Probably $25,000 to start. At least $3,000 in facial resurfacing and fillers. Lipo would be at least $5,000 per thigh. And lets not even start with my breasts. Have you seen them lately? ”
“We’ll stay in Laguna for the weekend,” Michael says. “It’ll be romantic.”
“We need more couples like us,” Heather says. “People who are going to grow old together. I think we’re even starting to look alike. I mean look at me. I’m getting random facial hairs; my thighs and upper arms are expanding. “
“You’re really turning me on,” Michael says and stands.
“Even your butt is getting bigger,” she says.
“Gee, thanks,” he says, shaking his head. “Can I go jog now without you thinking that I’m getting ready to leave you?”
“Ok,” she says. “But, just not too far. ”
Note: The ModernMom Chronicles is a completely fictional novel. The story is not a personal blog, nor is it based on existing people or families