• Skip to content
  • Skip to secondary menu
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • Home
  • Shop ModernMom
  • Become An Insider

ModernMom

The premiere destination for moms

  • Parenting
    • Pregnancy
    • Baby
    • Kids
    • Tweens and Teens
    • ModernMom Monday Videos
  • Cooking
  • Living Healthy
    • Breast Cancer
    • Health & Fitness
    • Body after Baby
    • Beauty
    • Relationships
    • Love
  • Lifestyle
    • Crafts
    • At Home
    • Education
    • Travel
    • Pets
    • Decorate
    • Money
    • Brooke Burke
  • Celebrate
    • Holidays
      • Easter
      • Valentine’s Day
      • New Year’s
      • Christmas
      • Hanukah
      • Halloween
      • Thanksgiving
    • Birthdays
    • Parties
  • Must Have
  • Contests
  • Entertainment

10 Things Nobody Will Tell You About Having A Baby

July 28, 2019 by susanna morgan

After reading “20 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Had Kids,” I was inspired to share some wisdom of my own.

So without further ado, here are ten things I learned as a new mom:

1. People Will Hate Your Kid’s Name

There’s no way to win this one. Classic, retro, unique – someone is going to hate it. Choose a name you love. Even then, there’s still a good chance your kid will eventually hate it.

2. Only Celebrities Drop All Their Pregnancy Weight Through Breastfeeding

It’s a lie, people. No one drops all their pregnancy weight through breastfeeding unless they’re personally breastfeeding as their sole personal source of nutrition.

3. Natural or Epidural or C-Section: There’s No Good Way to Get a Baby Out of Your Body

The Labor and Delivery room is not the place to be a hero. Do what works, no matter what you planned. You’ll end up with a wonderful gift, but the gift wrap and opening process is Mother Nature’s joke.

4. Congrats, You’re a Mammal!

Yeah, yeah, the miracle of birth and breastfeeding and all that. Amped up on hormones, few things make you feel worse than leaking from multiple parts of your body simultaneously.

5. Your Post-Birth Care Involves Office Supplies

In the haze after my emergency C-section, I received a visit from my OB, who was there to remove my STAPLES. Yes, I’d been stapled shut like Frankenstein. Good times.

6. “Sleep When the Baby Sleeps” is Advice From People Who Hate New Moms

Your newborn will sleep erratically at best. You’ll be sleep deprived. You may even have another child, or more, at home. So dropping off into sleep when your infant finally knocks out is completely unrealistic. “Watch Crap TV When the Baby Sleeps” may work. Or “Have an Anxiety Attack When the Baby Sleeps” and “Furiously Attempt to Reclaim Your House and Life While the Baby Sleeps” could work as well.

7. Yes, People Are Judging You

Hopefully they’re doing so silently. But the ones who actually tell you their judgments are doing so out of insecurity. Still irritating, but true. I’ll never forget having a rare well-behaved moment with my 18-month-old at a donut store after a Mommy & Me class. Another mom’s kid was being crabby, but she looked over at us having our time together and exclaimed, “Well! Look at you!”

8. Your Family Will Wish You Ill

Brace yourself for stories from your parents and in-laws about what a hellacious child you or your spouse were and how you totally deserve what’s coming to you. Payback’s a b*tch. You can be one too. Play dumb and ask for their hands-on expertise on how to change an explosive diaper or clean spit-up riddled clothes.

9. Stretch Marks Suck

Despite the recent viral “Tiger Stripes” campaign to embrace your post-pregnancy body of stretch marks, I have yet to meet a real person who believes they deserve this particular “win.” I have a real child to remind me of my pregnancy. Looking down at shiny white skin is just an insult.

10. Giving Birth Does Not Make You More Able to Handle Pain

Bikini waxes will still suck, as will plucking your brows.

The silver lining: Yes, it can be painful, gross, frustrating and expensive – but in the end, it’s all so, so worth it.

What did you learn the hard way after giving birth? Care to add anything to the list? 

 

Comments

comments

Filed Under: Baby, Parenting, Superduper

About susanna morgan

Susanna Morgan is a mom, parenting non-expert and writer of Not June where she blogs about being June Cleaver's nemesis. She lives in a city by the sea in Southern California with her two boys, two guinea pigs and two dogs (the two fish died). She is greatly outnumbered.
You can follow her on Twitter @NotJune

Reader Interactions

Primary Sidebar

Search

Tell a friend

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest
  • Twitter
  • YouTube
ModernMom Boutique

ModernMom TV

Featured

It’s One of Those “I Suck” Days…

Do you ever just have one of those I suck days? I do - a … [Read More...] about It’s One of Those “I Suck” Days…

Must Have

STEM-related Toys to Include in Your Child’s Easter Basket This Year 

April has arrived which means it’s time to pull out the food … [Read More...] about STEM-related Toys to Include in Your Child’s Easter Basket This Year 

Did you know?

Children Overcome a Fear of Water

How Do Children Overcome a Fear of Water?

Clean the Smell From the Inside of a Leather Jacket

How to Clean the Smell From the Inside of a Leather Jacket

basal temperature as sign of pregnancy

Basal Temperature As Sign of Pregnancy

Painful Intercourse During Pregnancy

Painful Intercourse During Pregnancy

What Does It Mean When Your Partner Curses at You?

What Does It Mean When Your Partner Curses at You?

10 foods to improve sperm count and quality

10 Foods to Improve Sperm Count and Quality

safe to color Your hair while breastfeeding

Is it Safe to Color Your Hair While Breastfeeding?

Footer

  • About Us
  • Contact ModernMom
  • Advertise With Us
  • Press
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of Use
  • Contributors

Copyright © 2023 Modern Mom. All Rights Reserved.

Reproduction of any portion of this website only at the express permission of Mom, Inc.

The information provided on ModernMom is for educational use only. It should not be used as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.