Reader Unhappily Married writes:
After years of unhappiness in my marriage, including fights, lack of communication, and feeling that my husband does not value me, I am strongly considering divorce. In my mind, we have tried everything, including more than one attempt at couples counseling and reading self-help books. My husband tells me this will harm our children, now 2 and 5, permanently. Am I a terrible mother to consider divorce?
First, let me say how sorry I am to hear that you are struggling so much. It sounds like you and your husband are in a very painful and hopeless-seeming situation. To address your question, there are many negative effects of divorce on kids, but the good news is that research shows that most children bounce back from divorce and go on to do as well on many measures of life functioning as do children from intact homes. Of course, many specific issues determine how your children will be affected.
Children who are exposed to a great deal of conflict in the home often do better after divorce than children whose parents seem on the surface to be getting along well. They are less surprised by the divorce (although your kids are young enough that they would be surprised no matter what), and their lives often become calmer and less conflictual when the marriage ends. If the divorce is contentious and parents openly express anger toward the other parent to the kids, it will negatively affect the children and make them feel they have to take sides.
Hopefully, you and your husband will take steps to minimize the negative impact on the kids if you divorce. Some parents now leave the children in the same home to minimize disruption, and the parents take turns coming in and out; this is called birdnesting. It does have its problems: logistically, it may be very difficult. More sensitive children may benefit from seeing a child psychologist to talk about their feelings about the divorce. Both parents should ideally try their hardest to avoid speaking badly about the other in the children’s presence. As a therapist, I see many adults who are still very resentful of parents who they felt made them take sides after a divorce. Other adults have no relationship at all with one parent, usually the dad, because they felt it would be disloyal to the other parent. This can lead to lasting emotional pain.
Research does show that children from divorced vs intact homes have a harder time with relationships as adults and are more likely to get divorced themselves. It may be that another variable is at play, e.g., a higher overall tendency to be unhappy among people who end up divorcing, which is genetically passed to children. (For more on the idea that it is mostly genetic legacy, rather than parenting behaviors, that is responsible for the majority of parent-child similarities, see The Nurture Assumption: Why Children Turn Out the Way They Do, Revised and Updated). Research also shows that more easygoing children do better after divorce, as they do after anything. Unfortunately, there is no way to change your children’s temperament.
The most important issue I see is that your children need to learn to live in a loving, mutually supportive relationship. They will learn this from watching you and your husband. Whatever you do and however you act will become your children’s automatic default when they grow up and enter into their own intimate relationships. They can break the patterns they see, but it is very difficult and requires a lot of hard work. So, the best course of action for you is to model the relationship you want your children to see, whether with your husband or with someone else in the future. But the best case would, of course, be if you and your husband could reconcile and show your children the sort of relationship you want them to have one day for themselves.
To that end, I hope that you have truly taken every last possible measure to save your marriage before accepting that divorce is your choice. Although your children may end up fine, they would still thrive even more in a loving and happy family, and if there is any way to seek more counseling and to work on the marriage even one last time, I would recommend this choice. It may still be within your power to provide your kids with a healthy and intact family experience and to reconnect with your partner on a deep emotional level. Thanks for writing in, and I wish you the best of luck.
Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Wants You to Be Happy.
Dr. Samantha Rodman is a clinical psychologist in private practice and a mom of three kids under 5. She blogs at Dr. Psych Mom. Join her on Facebook and on Twitter @DrPsychMom.
If you have a question for Dr.Psych Mom, please email it to her at askdrpsychmom@modernmom.com
