If you’ve ever seen an episode of Bravo’s hit show, "Millionaire Matchmaker", then you know that Patti Stanger is a wise matchmaker who tells it like is, no matter who she’s talking to. That’s why we were super excited to interview her! Read on for Patti’s advice on everything from single moms dating to keeping the spark alive in a long-term relationship.
ModernMom: How did you get into the matchmaking business?
Patti Stanger: Well, in the business side I worked for Great Expectations for eight years, and in the real matchmaking business, which is like saying you don’t take money you just do it for fun and sort of that you go as you come, my mom and my grandmother did it for local New Jersey, for their temple, for their friends…my mother was the first to be divorced in 1963 in the neighborhood, kind of scandalous. So my grandmother got her hitched again, and it just became part of my DNA, I just knew what to do.
MM: How is matching millionaires different from matching middle-class people looking for love?
PS: Matching making is difficult all the way through, but middle-class people looking for love tend to be a little easier to please, have a little less on the wish list. They’re not as demanding in the looks department or the money department. When you are dealing with millionaires, they think that because they’ve earned their money that they have the right to have the best looking girl on the market even if they don’t look good. In LA we say, “A zero male can get a ten female any day of the week, and still expect better as long as he has money.”
MM: How do you make sure your rules are enforced at the Millionaire club?
PS: We police people, but we can’t make a 100 percent enforcement. We guide you and we can renege your membership based on various different serious allegations. You know we can investigate but at the same time, my screaming pretty much does the rest.
MM: What is something most people do not know about you?
PS: I was a practicing psychic. I worked for Kenny Kingston psychic network as the director of marketing and I did psychic readings on the side, and psychometry was my specialty. I’d take your jewelry and feel your vibrations and tell you what was going to happen in the future.
MM: You wrote "Become Your Own Matchmaker: 8 Easy Steps for Attracting Your Perfect Mate." What is the best way for someone to attract a perfect mate?
PS: First of all the best way is to get into dating detox, which is what I just recently did, and that is to get off the dating scene and to find out what you like about you and as well as what you’re looking for in a mate. And it’s kind of an inventory 12 step process, very similar to AA. You’ve really got to take a mental inventory of all of your past lovers, relationships, and marriages and what went wrong and then reevaluate what you want. And then I basically use the Abraham Hicks system to create visualization and manifesting what you want, the law of attraction, so I actually make the recipe ok, before I service so to speak, before we taste it. So I’ve actually spent 90 days mulling over what I want, I can visualize what I want, and I actually imagine him here, so by the time you get on the dating market on the 91st day, you’ll then go do things that are attractive to you and he’ll show up, he’ll just show up. You don’t have to hunt and fish like the men, you’re just looking to attract the right guy, and if you’re in the right place at the right time which generally speaking, after doing dating detox, you end up finding that person just by happenstance. But some people need a little extra help, and that’s why there are matchmakers, and dating services and matchmaking services, and we encourage you to use those things if you feel you need a little extra help, there is no reason you can’t go to my site psxoxo.com, or match.com, or e-harmony, or E-Chemistry; that’s what they’re there for–meeting people that you would never have normally met.
MM: Do you plan on settling down yourself one day?
PS: Yes, I’d love to get married in the near future. I’m dating someone right now; he’s a firefighter from 9/11, from New York. I just like real down to earth guys. I’m not looking for Mr. Private Plane. And I hope one day to get married; I hope to be a step-mom some day. I’d really love to raise children.
MM: What are your thoughts on why the American divorce rate is so high?
PS: I think we’re selfish and narcissistic, but then again, in Europe they take lovers. They cheat, so which is better? I don’t think it’s just being American, I think it’s a sign of our times. We’re not in a third world country, we’re a disposable society, you want Starbucks, you want The Gap, it’s all there. We get things fast and we move fast. And therefore, divorce is the quickest way to get rid of your lover. And I think people just opt out too quickly, they don’t work hard enough to save their marriages. And eventually people are going to get bored, and you have to face facts, life is not going to be perfect. But if you’ve gotten chemistry and he’s/she’s got your back, and you can agree on things and come to a compromise, then that’s it baby, you ain’t gonna get more than that.
MM: How is someone sure they are marrying the right person?
PS: I don’t think there is a 100 percent right person in that sense because I think we put too much stock into that. I think if you’ve got 51 percent, he’s good to you, he treats you well, he treats your family well, he tell you he loves you, he tells you you’re beautiful, he is ambitious, he protects, provides, and serves, you know that’s enough…and he’s your best friend and a good lover, that’s pretty much what you’re gonna get. If you expect more than that, if you expect a man to fall from the sky and give you everything on your 100 wish list, you’ll be standing in line for a long time.
MM: Any secrets you’d like to share for a single mom looking to get back into the dating game?
PS: Yes, the best place to date is a man with kids. Do not date a guy who doesn’t have children unless he says to you, I really, really want to be a step-dad, because your kid comes first. And I’m a product of divorce; my mother was married three times, so I know my mother would have never married someone who didn’t love me. That’s key. And the best place to go is with a man who has children who understands the opposite weekend thing. You’re not gonna show your kids right away to this guy or this girl until you really know them. You know, you really have to take the children into account. Parents without Partners is a great society to go to, online dating with services that cater to single moms, and there’s a great site called The Hot Moms Club, which is on radio. You can get a lot of inside information, they’re going through that. One of the girls is single there, and we actually fixed her up and she has a boyfriend through us. There are lots of organizations and I really suggest people get out and meet people who also have children.
MM: How do "little switches" make a difference in people’s relationships and lives?
PS: I think little switches are really important. I’ve partnered with www.CottonelleUltraSwitch.com, and they’re fabulous, they’ve created this wonderful site for love advice. And what they’re doing basically is trying to start the conversation by people logging on, especially around this Valentine’s Day, where they’re talking about how the love has gone out of their relationship, they’re not doing date night anymore, and they’re giving you all these little tips online of what you should do in order to find true love. But a lot of us need to hear from one another. I like hearing from other people what they did to change it up to meet the true love of their life. I like listening to other people’s conversations of what they’re having, and I think it’s really important that we do that, because, first of all, we don’t know everything. People think “oh I know everything”, no I don’t know everything. In fact, I’m always learning. The more I know the less I know. I think we need to start doing that and that what Cottonelle is doing. They’re a fabulous company, they’re environmental, they’re awesome.
MM: What are some things we can do to keep a long term relationship from going stale?
PS: Well, the one thing you can do for a long-term relationship to keep from going stale is give the kids to the in-laws and create a fabulous date night. And if you don’t have money, and you can’t afford to go anywhere other than the Olive Garden (which by the way I think is a fabulous place), you can create a spa in your own home. I’ve been teaching a lot of my girls to do this with their boyfriends lately. You can make a beautiful, luxurious bath, you can get a non-expensive bottle of champagne, you can bring out the chocolates to have the right aphrodisiac, and you can sit and make this wonderful massage to him, to you, you know get up in your little robe and really have a wonderful time. It’s about intimacy and connecting, not about staring at the boob-tube, and checking the BlackBerry or the computer. You need quiet time and that’s the most important thing. And you don’t want to go to a restaurant, by the way, where you’re looking at the door every six seconds to see who is hot or coming through. It’s important to connect in a very quiet, intimate environment, with beautiful candles and great music flowing, your favorite foods and just talk. We don’t talk to each other anymore, I think that’s the number one problem people are having…they’re not communicating.