Running to Stand Still

I’ve fallen off the wagon on multiple fronts.  My blog is dying on the vine and I have about 10 of them written in my head but have yet to sit the hell down and write them out.  So before I get into the stories of the last few months – one of which will be entirely dedicated to kids and babies BARFING – I thought I would start with how I’ve stopped taking my own advice and found myself in a slump.

I’d like to blame it on work.  Sure, it has gotten a lot crazier in the last couple months and I’m in yet another hotel room, working from the road.  I’d like to blame it on lack of sleep – a solace which has alluded me for going on five years now and the bags under my eyes have become a permanent fixture of my face.  I’d like to blame it on just about every other thing I can think of but I really just can’t. I can only blame me.

I’ve stopped exercising.  I’ve stopped eating right.  I’ve had way too many cocktails. I’ve stayed awake and watched bad TV when I could be sleeping.  I’ve had gallons of coffee and too little water. My hands are swollen and my face is dry.  My body is getting beaten up and is screaming at me to MOVE and FEED IT WELL but I’m ignoring the message and digging myself deeper into a hazy place of body and mind where I pretty much feel like shit all the time.

And so the cycle must be broken and it’s not anyone else’s job to do it.  But man, being in this funk is like trying to run in water.  I’m weighted down and caught up in this thornbush of self-pity and angst.  Seriously – I’m angst-ridden.  I can prove it. A couple weeks ago, I watched one of those stupid Twilight movies in another hotel in another city and actually sympathized with that winy chick who has a couple really hot, nice guys loving on her. WHO AM I???

So this is my official kicking myself in my own ass to get back on the wagon.  I started with planning a weekend away with my much better half and no kids.  That is a nice little light at the end of a very dark tunnel.  I even got my slow, saggy ass back to bootcamp a couple days ago and it felt good in a can’t-breathe-holy-shit kind of way.  I ate a cookie today but f-it, I’m in San Francisco and if you ever have a cookie from Specialty’s it’s like you have died and gone to heaven.

Cheer me on, fellow Modern Moms, I’m on the road back to someplace sunny.