Spring cleaning starts with clearing out the cobwebs and tossing what’s stale and worn, followed by the re-stocking your shelves.  Even with global warming throwing the seasons into chaos, there remains a familiar spring renewal season surging just now.  It manifests as a curiosity about romantic love.  A lesson learned from single motherhood is that a safe and sexy match is best.

Who doesn’t want to have, keep, and hold onto love with less stress and distress?  Making it safe to be vulnerable and open again to the warm hugs we yearn for as a species is crucial.  We’re people who need people, but a little hurt can go a long way. The question (to paraphrase the late painter Dorothea Tanning) remains:  How to maximize the love poetry and minimize the emotional devastation? 

Here are 4 tips for doing a little better at getting out of your own way to have it your way in love.  While these tips are not a substitute for therapy, they may help guide you.  What follows are subtle, seemingly easy tips, more difficult to follow than articulate.  The goal is how to better attune your internal compass to increase your chances of getting the love that you desire.

1. The joy of letting your guard down should not be confused with the joy of dumping.  The latter is like a dress rehearsal for life making it safe to have feelings and thoughts in the context of another person.  Being able to have an uncomfortable feeling without lashing out or breaking down is sometimes better pre-digested before being addressed directly in the relationship it’s intended for.

2. Humans are like heat seeking missiles; we don’t just collide but rather choose each other like targets.  Whatever problems that arise usually are related to the unfinished business of your past.  You can run and hide from this but ultimately you can’t escape it.  Rather than making your history shameful, take on the attitude of curiosity and interest in finally being in the driver seat rather than being powerless and steering from behind at best.

3. Relationships that stir your lower lights contain in part the hope of being called out for your less than exemplary behavior by someone who gives a damn about you.  Remember, the pleasure to complain can be deeply satisfying but should be indulged in small doses otherwise you run the danger of playing too much with your individual and collective darkness.

4. Every action has a re-verb and echo.  Mark Twain asserted that the past doesn’t repeat itself but rhymes.  Some relationships can take you just so far in your development before it’s apparent you may need to move on.  Knowing the difference, now that’s an art form.   

As the old saying goes, it’s best for love to find you.  What if it’s also possible to enhance your chances of getting lucky by understanding a few pre-requisites of being a queen who gets her king?  Entertaining pragmatic romantic lasting love in this age of ambivalence is something you’ll want to settle into and seal the deal.  

If you do Internet dating follow good etiquette.  Know that your photo will become familiar. Go to local events at museums, parks, houses of worship or other favorite places.  Let someone recognize you.  In that moment you will know if it’s worth continuing the conversation.  Good luck, chin up and stay true and real to something good like lasting love.