Do You Know How Your Child Is Feeling? A Reflection for Parents in The New Year
8 mins read

Do You Know How Your Child Is Feeling? A Reflection for Parents in The New Year

Do You Know How Your Child Is Feeling? With the new year well underway, it’s back to work, back to school, and back to parenting—though parenting never really takes a break. Whether your child is returning to college after the holidays or walking through the door after soccer practice or their first sleepover, the to-do list never ends. Yet, amidst the busyness, each moment offers a chance to connect and deepen your relationship.

As 2025 begins to take shape, pause to ask yourself: “Do I truly know how my child is feeling?” Not just about their grades or their schedule, but about the deeper things—their friendships, their sense of belonging, their hopes, and their fears for the future. These conversations aren’t always easy, but they are profoundly important, and it all begins with posing a simple yet powerful question to them: “How are you feeling?”

We know from years of research as well as countless conversations with parents and teachers in school communities we serve through the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence that children’s emotional well-being thrives in environments that feel safe and warm and that foster genuine curiosity and openness.

To create the right moment for this connection—one of acceptance and positivity—start by eliminating distractions. Find a time when you are unlikely to be interrupted; put away your phone and silence notifications. Check your own mindset by recognizing and regulating your emotions, and prepare to engage with tenderness, compassion, and interest. These small gestures show your child that they are your priority and set the stage for deeper communication.

The skills of emotional intelligence, which we refer to as the “RULER” skills can serve as a helpful guide:

Recognize emotions: Take a moment to notice your child’s emotion cues. Are they withdrawn? Do they seem anxious? Relaxed?
What to do: Refrain from making assumptions and instead begin the conversation with open-ended questions rather than yes-or-no ones. Ask, “What’s been on your mind lately?” or “What has made you feel [emotion] lately?”

Understand emotions: Ask about the factors that might be influencing their feelings. Is it stress from exams? Social dynamics? Perhaps excitement for the future? Remember that you won’t truly know until they tell you—and sometimes, they, like the rest of us, don’t know what they’re feeling right away. They may first tell a story, or a sequence of events to ‘find’ their way into their feelings.
What to do: Show them your curiosity by asking questions with interest or with simple validation, like “That sounds really hard,” or “I understand why you might feel that way. Can you say more about that?”

Label emotions: Gently move toward helping your child find the word(s) that best matches their feelings. Listen attentively and reflect on what you hear. While it can be tempting to jump in with advice or problem-solving, hold back and focus on ensuring they feel understood first. The simple act of accurate labeling is helpful because emotions have themes. For example, disappointment is about unmet expectations. When we can name a discrete emotion, it leads to a better strategy for understanding and addressing it.
What to do: You might say, “When you feel down and blue after someone doesn’t meet your expectations—that’s called disappointment.” Or “I notice that I feel [emotion] when this happens. What’s it like for you?”

Express emotions: It’s helpful to guide children toward expressing their emotions appropriately and authentically, both in your discussion now, and in the scenario, they’re referring to. They may be hesitant, or dysregulated, or even dismissive at first; that’s okay. Stay engaged, patient, and curious. For young children it can be helpful to draw their feelings or express them through play. When discussing how to express their emotions to others, encourage them to stay connected to their true feelings while also being mindful of the situation, ensuring their expression is constructive. As children grow, they get better at understanding the difference between the feelings they have and knowing how and how much to express to others. This is especially important for boys who want to share their feelings but feel inhibited by messages about masculinity.
What to do: In the moment, signal your receptivity to their feelings nonverbally. Depending on the child, you may lean into the conversation with your body, soften your gaze, maintain a warm, open, and available expression, and use a gentle tone of voice. You might share how you, in an age-appropriate way, expressed your emotion in a similar situation. Throughout everyday life, you are always teaching children how to express and manage their emotions by how you model it for them.

Regulate emotions: Guide the conversation toward strategies for managing their feelings. By this point, children will have lots of workable ideas so be sure to give them space to brainstorm their own strategies. It’s also typical that this won’t be a linear conversation—many meaningful conversations circle back through understanding, expressing, and naming before “solutions” are revealed. Sometimes it’s quick, and sometimes it’s a long process. No matter how far you get, your attention and engagement will help them feel seen, understood, and cared for, setting the stage for further connection.
What to do: If your child needs help developing their regulation strategies, gently offer some ideas they could consider, such as ways you have learned to quell your own stress, anxiety, or worry. Moreover, if you feel unexpectedly overwhelmed by what your child is sharing, use a strategy in the moment—perhaps deep breathing to calm your own emotional intensity or positive self-talk if you feel disappointed.

Continuing the Conversation: Follow Up

Connection doesn’t end with one conversation. Following up shows your child that their feelings matter beyond the moment. Here are some ways to keep the dialogue going with patience and love:

Check in regularly and gently: A simple, “How are you doing today?” or “How have things changed since we last talked?” can show your child that you’re still thinking about them and that last conversation. Remember to avoid overwhelm—offer space to talk at their own pace while reassuring them of your support.
Acknowledge bids for connection: Reinforce the small steps they take to connect and share, whether it’s opening up about their day for a few minutes or quietly spending more time in your presence. Name their growing skills (“I really appreciate how you’ve been doing more of…”); it helps build trust, confidence, and connection with you.
Use words of affirmation: Simply saying, “I love you” or “I’m proud of you for…” and naming the specific behaviors and attitudes that you see or hear from them—is powerful. These affirmations, combined with your actions, remind your child that they are valued unconditionally.

Parenting isn’t about being perfect. It’s about showing up, trying again, and steadily leading with acceptance, tenderness, and love. In the rush to provide your child with the best in life—be it the best school, the best extracurriculars, or the best home—the simple gift of feeling understood and valued while they learn about their own emotions, may be the best gift at the start of their new year.


Robin Stern, Ph.D. is the co-founder and senior adviser to the director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, a psychoanalyst in private practice, the author of “The Gaslight Effect” and the host of “The Gaslight Effect” podcast.

Diana Divecha, Ph.D. is a developmental psychologist, an assistant clinical professor at the Yale Child Study Center and Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, and on the advisory board of the Greater Good Science Center. Her blog is developmentalscience.com.

Marc Brackett, Ph.D. is the founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, a professor in the Child Study Center at Yale, lead developer of RULER, an evidence-based approach to social and emotional learning, and the author of “Permission to Feel.”

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