Packing More than Backpacks: What Psychologists Want You to Know is the Real Back-to-School Essential

Across the U.S., schools have been back in session for anywhere from just a week to over a month. Parents have been doing what we always do this time of year: creating opportunities for our children to grow through experiences that reach beyond the classroom walls. We sign them up for sports, dance, music lessons, and tutoring. We make sure their backpacks are stocked with notebooks, water bottles, and snacks. But when it comes to their emotional health, too often we leave them to “figure it out” on their own — without the same preparation or tools we provide in every other area of their lives. 

Emotional health is not optional. Just as we shouldn’t ignore nutrition, exercise, or sleep, we can’t afford to overlook how we deal with our emotions. The skills of emotional intelligence – recognizing, understanding, and regulating feelings — are not just “nice to have.” They are essential for our relationships, performance, and overall well-being.

And where do they first learn these skills? From us.

As parents, we are our children’s first emotional intelligence role models and teachers. By being intentional about the way we talk about, model, and respond to emotions, we can ensure their bags are packed with skills that will serve them for life.

Why Emotional Intelligence Matters

As researchers and clinicians from the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, we’ve demonstrated that learning to Recognize, Understand, Label, Express, and Regulate (RULER) our emotions is a core skill set that influences everything from academic performance and self-esteem to friendships and long-term mental health. These are more than just feel-good skills: they are superpowers.

The start of a new school year is a perfect time to strengthen these skills. New routines, changing peer and academic pressures can stir up excitement, anxiety, or self-doubt (sometimes all before we arrive at school!). Emotions, even the messy ones, aren’t problems to fix. They’re data. They tell us what matters.

When we give kids “permission to feel,” we create space for them to listen to that data, understand it, and act on it wisely. But building and strengthening emotional intelligence is a process—not just a one-time fix. Here are six ways to help you and your child do just that this school year.

1. Begin with an Authentic Conversation

Create space for your child to talk openly about the year ahead by first checking in with yourself. How are you feeling? Try to start from a calm, curious place. Then, ask your child:

• What are you excited about?
• What feels a little scary or uncertain?
• How can I best support you?

These types of questions help normalize a range of feelings. Younger kids may need help naming simpler emotions like nervous, proud, or left out, while older kids might express more complex feelings like shame or belonging.

2. Grow Their Emotion Vocabulary

Just like kids need words to express thoughts, they need words to express feelings. Instead of just “mad” or “sad,” encourage specific language like frustrated, embarrassed, hopeful, disappointed, or confident.

Remember: your child learns by watching you. One helpful tool to explore together is the How We Feel app—a free, research-backed resource that allows you to check in with your emotions and expand your vocabulary while discovering healthy regulation strategies. Using it side by side makes it more approachable and even fun.

3. Create a Plan for Tough Moments

When emotions run high, kids need strategies they can actually use in the moment. Help them create a plan. Ask: What helps you when you feel overwhelmed, nervous, or angry?

Write down options like:

• Taking three deep breaths
• Asking a teacher for help
• Going for a short walk

Saying a calming phrase out loud or silently to yourself, such as: “Diego, you can get through this.” Using your own name (instead of “I”) makes the phrase even more effective. It’s like giving advice to a friend, which makes the words easier to believe. Having a go-to list builds their ability to regulate rather than suppress emotions when a big feeling strikes.

4. Notice Effort, Not Just Outcomes

It’s easy to celebrate wins. But when you value how they handle challenges—not just whether they “win”—you’re reinforcing the message: your feelings and how you respond to them matter more than any grade or trophy.

5. Model Emotional Skills in Your Own Life

Our kids are always watching. Let them see you navigating your own emotions with self-awareness and care. Say things like:

• “I was nervous before my presentation, so I took a few deep breaths and reminded myself I was prepared.”
• “I felt upset after that phone call, so I went for a walk to clear my head.”

When we model emotional intelligence, we normalize it and show that learning and growing never stops.

6. Make Check-Ins a Daily Ritual

Don’t wait for a meltdown. Build regular check-ins into your routine—bedtime, the ride home, over dinner. Ask:

• What was a high and a low from your day?
• When did you feel proud, nervous, or frustrated?
• What surprised you today?

These casual conversations normalize reflection and strengthen emotional awareness day by day.

Emotional Intelligence Is the Superpower in Their Backpack

There may be moments when your child needs more support than you can offer alone. If you notice persistent anxiety, major behavioral changes, or signs of distress, don’t hesitate to reach out to a school counselor or mental health professional.

But most of the time, what they need is already right in front of them: you. When you model emotional intelligence (imperfectly, honestly), you’re not just helping them survive the school year. You’re giving them the tools to thrive—at school, in friendships, and for the rest of their lives.