Do you think you need someone else to be happy?
Are you settling for less when it comes to relationships?
Do you have a tendency to let people walk over you?
Are you trying to strategize to get someone to love you?
Deep down, do you hold a core belief that you have to DO something to get love?
Do you have a tendency to try to rescue and change your partners?
I’m willing to bet that almost all of us see parts of ourselves in these questions. But, the truth is we all deserve better… actually, we’re entitled better than better. We deserve the whole enchilada. And, when I say “we” I’m also including you. Yes, YOU deserve to be happy and complete just as you are. You’re also worthy of an amazing partner who loves you for who you are, beautiful imperfections and all. There’s no need to settle. You even deserve to eat the full-fat ice cream when you want it.
OK, I just had to give you this pep talk straight away. The subject of codependency has been coming up again and again this past week—during intuitive readings with clients, while talking with callers on my radio show, and even during my chats with friends. People have been asking questions like: “Will this guy wake up, stop drinking, and come back so we can have a committed relationship?” “What can I do to make this relationship work?” and, “When will I finally meet the person I’ve been waiting for? When???” As I’ve talked with many of you, we’ve uncovered core beliefs about love that not only keep us stuck but are also 100%, hands down false. It’s time to end this madness!
You’ve probably heard the term “codependence” before. When a person has codependent tendencies, one lets another’s behavior impact and affect him or her. A codependent person is also focused on controlling others, even in subtle ways like strategizing for someone to love you. The term codependent sounds like a terrible diagnosis, but it’s not—you can take your life back. I know from experience. Over the years, I’ve taught countless workshops on love and breaking negative relationship patterns. I’ve also broken free of codependent patterns in my own life and am now in a healthy interdependent relationship.
So many of us have gotten wrapped up in patterns of codependency. As children and even later in life, many of us have had to find ways to survive difficult and unbearable experiences. You may have grown up with an alcoholic or abusive parent and developed certain core beliefs about yourself and relationships as a way to protect yourself. Likewise, as an adult experiencing a tough situation, you may have been forced to learn particular patterns to protect yourself. The problem is that while these patterns might initially help us survive the outrageous experience, they become self-destructive. Our wounded egos—our Goblins—cling to these false beliefs and coping mechanisms, driving us to repeat wounding experiences again and again. And so, we continue to try to make people love us and to let people walk all over us. We keep ending up with partners with addictions, alcoholism, or commitment issues and then try to fix them. Our Goblins continue to tell us we’re “less than” if we’re not in a relationship, so we settle for less… even when our intuition is screaming that we need to walk away and red flags are blowing in the wind. We falsely believe that we’re unlovable, and so we end up with unloving people.
Ultimately, these patterns just keep you stuck, unhappy, and disconnected with your intuition and Spirit. All the while, your Goblin has a 24/7 party. You don’t want your Goblin to have all the fun, do you?
Here are my important steps for breaking codependent patterns. I encourage you to write in your journal about each step. Also feel free to think of all of your relationships—love, friendships, and family—as you go through this exercise.
Develop Awareness: The first step for breaking almost any pattern or habit, it to become aware. Make a list of all your patterns when it comes to relationships. Do you keep ending up with similar types? Do you try to manipulate people to like you? Do you say yes when you want to say not?
Acceptance and Self-Care: You are loveable. You deserve to accept yourself as you are. You also need to accept what has been—your wounds, past relationships, and so on. Likewise, you need to take responsibility. Denial and blame don’t get you on your highest path! What boundaries do you need to set in your relationships? What self-care steps to you need to take for YOU?
Trust Your Intuition: When something isn’t in our highest good, our intuition tells us. Have you trusted your intuition in the past? (Think of those red flags!) How can you trust your intuition in the future? Perhaps meditate more, journal each night, put a post it on your bathroom mirror, etc.
Surrender: When we attempt to control things, we’re actually controlled. We give up all of our power to think, feel, and act in accordance with our best interests. We also disconnect with the All That Is and our intuition. Remember, the Universe is conspiring in your favor. You just must let go and trust. As I often say, what is yours will come to you. What do you need to surrender? Write it down?
Ground Your Spirit: Imagine yourself as a tree. Are your roots entangled with other trees? Use your intuition! If so, close your eyes and picture your roots separating, getting grounded on their own, so you can continue to grow.
If you’d like to hear more from me about love, feel free to check out my on demand online workshop, The Mirror of Love. And, for more on the Goblin, I talk about the wounded ego extensively in my book, Remembering the Future.