My three children and I had a spontaneous moment and found ourselves headed for Las Vegas! On the
way there, I reserved a hotel room and now the only thing we had to look forward to was the inevitable!
Whatever happens in Vegas… get’s posted on Facebook. Three hours later, we were in the lobby of a
three-star hotel room. Upon announcing we had a reservation, the hotel lobby clerk said they had no more
vacancies; however, they could upgrade us at no charge to one of their suites! It didn’t end there. She
also slipped in two complimentary drink tickets, one free pole dancing lesson with Lucy (or was it
Loosey?) and a 10% discount toward the buffet, after midnight! I’m already feeling like I’ve hit the jack
pot! Of course, I jumped at the opportunity!
Me and the kids all high-fived as we entered the suite, but I was surprised to realize that not only was it
the elaborate “Elvis Presley Suite”, but it was also a honeymoon suite. Um, I’m alone with three small
children and I could either start explaining why there’s a large mirror on the ceiling or turn around and
walk out. I began to explain: “It is customary for hotels to mount mirrors on the ceiling for guests that
are just too tired to get out of bed, after a long night on the town. This way, the guests could stay in bed
and apply their make-up, brush their teeth, get dressed… the tasks are endless.”
As I explained away many of the essentials in the hotel room to the best of my “off-the-cuff” ability, my
kids were elated and just couldn’t believe we had a small pool (it was a hot tub) in the middle of the room!
What luck! They especially loved the trampoline (oversized round vibrating bed that sat two-feet above
the leopard shag rug); and where can you find red velvet ropes (so we don’t fall out of bed) to swing on
and hot pink silk curtains (for privacy so in case the maid comes in she won’t see us playing cards)?
After a long fun-filled day, my children were fast asleep. As I lay in the round bed looped with red velvet
ropes flowing from bed post to bed post, I couldn’t help peering at the outline of my body in the mirror on
the ceiling. I couldn’t help but wonder how I looked… you know… in the heat of passion. I was always
under the impression that I looked smokin’ hot lying down, face up. I was a bit stunned to notice my
breasts sagged to each side of my armpits and my body was much wider than I’d imagined. Even the
cheeks on my face seemed to disappear into my neck. I began to situate myself in different positions, just
in case I might find myself in an intimate encounter, I wanted to know which positions were most
flattering. I mean, I have to look good, right? Every position looked worse than one before. I resolved to
the fact that I just need to be in complete darkness and standing up!
Well, needless to say, we had a fun couple of days and never had to leave the room. Plus, I’ve finally
completed my all white towel set and I’m now an expert at applying make-up… while lying down! Anyway, I learned that no matter where you end up with your family — the “Elvis Presley” Honeymoon Suite or a five-star hotel overlooking the ocean — the company is what makes vacations memorable!
About the Author
Affectionately nicknamed the “Dysfunctional Housewife” by her comedy group, the popular “Funniest Housewives
of Orange County”- Julie is the author of “Momalogue, A Journey through a Single Mother’s Hood”. Her jokes
have been featured in Good Housekeeping and in numerous comedy books including: Comedy Thesaurus, She’s So
Funny, Mom This Jokes For You, and Loves Funny That Way. Kidd has performed on numerous television shows,
including: ABC’s The View, Life Moments, Iyanla, What’s Up OC, Inside this Edition and Next Big Star. Julie’s
advice: Don’t take yourself too seriously… To be a wonderful parent is powerful, but to do it with a sense of humor
is magical! For more info and performance dates visit www.THEFUNNYMOM.com