I’m about ready to pop, I can practically eat off this huge belly/coffee table that’s protruding out from my body, and if the unsolicited advice is in any way a forecast into my future, I will undoubtedly turn into a very cynical and negative biotch. Whoops, already have.
I started the day with good intentions…
There is nothing better than treating your big, pregnant self (or your normal, non-impregnated self!) to a mani/pedi on a Sunday afternoon, so I rode my beach cruiser to my fave nail salon, grabbed a trash mag, and sat my (big) ass and belly down.
“Excuse me, excuse me,” a lady next to me said. I looked up, and she was all smiles, pointing at my belly: “Can I give you some advice? Two words. Sign. Language! I did it with my kids, and let me tell ya, it worked wonders.”
“Thanks,” I said, barely cracking a smile, and quickly returned to my magazine.
One more time.
“Excuse me, excuse me?” The lady again: “Just one more thing??? You HAVE to make your own baby food, I mean, it’s really unfortunate that even the organic brands have chemicals in them. And you ARE breastfeeding, right? Seriously, making my own baby food was just wonderful, and it’s surprisingly easy! Just take some carrots, mush them up, and voila!”
“Thanks,” I said, clearly annoyed. So much for my quiet time — I just want to read about Sandra Bullock’s divorce; is that too much to ask?!
And yet again!
“Excuse me, excuuuuuuuuse meeeeee!” Yep, you guessed right: the lady. “I just have one last piece of advice for you: Don’t listen to anybody but yourself! People will try to tell you all sorts of things, but you know best.” With that, I broke into hysterical laughter. This, coming from a lady who won’t shut the eff up about what I should and shouldn’t do with my baby! This, coming from a woman who was about 65, painting her nails a metallic green, clearly forgets to brush her teeth, and has apparently never seen the inside of a gym in her life.
“Excuse me,” I said to her. Could I give YOU some advice? “Two words. Stair. Master.”
She left me alone after that.
I don’t tell YOU what to do!
People, unless I am asking for advice, do not give it to me. Do we go up to strangers in the street and tell them to stop eating burgers because of their high cholesterol, or tell random people to stop smoking, or what time to go to bed at night? Seriously. Just because I’m expecting a baby does not give you or anyone the right to tell me what you think I should do.
See ya at the gym!