Most moms of small children feel as asexual as a paramecium. Strangely, this does not prevent their husbands from wanting sex. As a couples therapist, I want your marital sex life to grow as wild and uncontrollable as the mint plants that are now taking over my entire yard. Also I want it to be equally leafy and fragrant. Damn, overshot the analogy. Anyway, here are some tips to get your mojo back. These libido enhancers can all be done during the day, so when your husband gets home at night, you are raring to go like a wildebeest in heat.
1- As you bend over to pick Cheerios off the floor, make sure to move seductively, like a panther, or like Blanche Dubois. Make your arm movements fluid and sensual. An observer should be unable to distinguish you from a tango dancer, except for the baby poop on your shirt.
2- When your husband calls, answer using your huskiest and most arousing tones. “God,” you will murmur, “Have I told you how crazy it drives me when you leave for work and forget the goddamn lunch that I packed you in the refrigerator?” Make sure the kids don’t overhear you, you naughty seductress.
3- When you’re at playgroup, keep your juices flowing by bringing the conversation around to sex. Ask detailed questions about your hostess’ sex life with, and before, her husband. Ignore when you’re asked to leave and continue your sassy girl talk until you and your toddler are forcibly removed from the premises.
4- Wear a bustier to Mommy and Me class. When the other moms look at you strangely, be kind. They are just jealous that you’re in touch with your inner sex goddess.
5- Install a pole in your family room. Practice exotic dancing with your preschool daughters. Make sure the pole can be removed easily when Child Protective Services visits.
6- Serve dinner by candlelight. When your table catches on fire, make sure to wiggle your rump enticingly as you spray it with the fire extinguisher.
7- Eat slowly and seductively. Hold your husband’s gaze as you down that third bowl of ice cream after dinner. Mmmmm.
8- Handcuff your husband to the bed. Tell him that until he promises to do the laundry twice a week you will not unlock him. You cheeky minx.
9- Write erotic notes and leave them in unexpected places. Like Slide 2 in his powerpoint presentation for a new client.
10- Show up at your husband’s work dressed in nothing but a trenchcoat. And with nothing else but three kids, a diaper bag, three kids’ lunches, your purse, a change of clothes for the kid who is potty training, a portable sticker chart for same, and a smile.
So the next time your husband asks you (lovingly!) why you never want sex anymore, you can surprise him by saying that you are in fact in the mood. The mood to watch Real Housewives while you eat potato chips. And afterwards, maybe even sex.
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