The holidays are here, and while we all enjoy the cooler weather and cheerful decorations, many of us are also bracing ourselves for the prospect of meeting up with family members we don’t always see eye to eye with. In fact, this is quite common. It turns out that many people these days have had their fair share of family drama. Reports show that at least 27 percent of Americans have distanced themselves from a family member, and nearly 40 percent have experienced family estrangement at some point (as reported by The New York Times). Now, while the holiday season is supposed to be all about joy, love, and togetherness, it can sometimes serve up a side of stress, anxiety, and worry, especially when dealing with those challenging family members and in-laws. So, what are the best ways to navigate these holidays when the people you’re spending them with may not all be your “loved” ones?
“If you want to live an authentic, meaningful life, you need to master the art of disappointing and upsetting others, hurting feelings, and living with the reality that some people just won’t like you. It may not be easy, but it’s essential if you want your life to reflect your deepest desires, values, and needs.” – Cheryl Richardson, The Art of Extreme Self-Care: Transform Your Life One Month at a Time
2 weeks with children, family and holiday stress, and you think I’m going to be refreshed? pic.twitter.com/fRRqOpVXuK
— Venti Venterson (@VentersonVenti) January 6, 2023
Understanding the Challenge
Family dynamics, you know, can get pretty complicated. Conflicts can pop up for all sorts of reasons, like differences in personalities, values, or even some long-held grudges. Dr. Susan Heitler, a clinical psychologist and author, points out that holiday gatherings usually bring together a bunch of folks with diverse views and backgrounds. So, yeah, tensions can flare up. But hey, just remember, you’re not alone in dealing with this stuff!
“I’ve discovered that you can’t change people. They can change themselves.” – Jim Rohn
- Open Communication
One of the big secrets to dealing with those tricky family members and in-laws during holiday gatherings is to keep the lines of communication open.
Mairéad Malloy has some wise words here: “Effective communication is more than just talking. It’s all about the exchange of ideas to improve relationships and interactions. It’s how we talk back and forth, sharing our thoughts and feelings.” Creating a safe space for everyone to speak their minds can lead to better understanding and more constructive conversations. If things get heated, it’s best to have those chats in private, away from prying eyes and ears.
— Mama Bear’s Heart (@mamabears_heart) November 19, 2023
According to the American Psychological Association, 44% of Americans get extra stressed during the holidays because of family gatherings and conflicts. Yikes!
- Set Realistic Expectations
remind me to never EVER be nice and book a family holiday 🥲 the stress is unreal
— KAT (@katiepollockk) May 14, 2023
Now, let’s talk about keeping it real when it comes to family gatherings. Having some expectations is natural, right? But if you set them too high, it’s like setting yourself up for disappointment and, well, more stress.
So, relationships come with some built-in expectations, even if we don’t say them out loud. The folks closest to you might have hopes for you and themselves, hoping you’ll meet their ideals. Unrealistic expectations, though, are just a recipe for frustration and tension. It’s cool to realize that not everything will go according to plan, and that’s totally fine. Try to focus on the good stuff and cherish those moments of joy and connection.
“If you choose to make your holidays mean that you have a horrible family life, then you’re right, and that’s precisely what will happen. If you decide to make it mean something empowering, you’ll experience that too.” – Brad Bizjack
- Establish Boundaries
Now, here’s a little secret sauce: setting boundaries is crucial for keeping your sanity intact during holiday gatherings. Tell folks what behavior you won’t put up with.
Research published in the Journal of Family Psychology shows that setting and keeping healthy boundaries in family relationships can lead to more satisfaction and less stress.
Boundaries can help you dodge conflicts and make sure your needs and limits get the respect they deserve. Be firm but polite when you’re laying down the law, and try to avoid getting into power struggles.
- Practice Self-Care
Don’t forget to take care of yourself during the holiday season. Dr. Brene Brown, a big name in the research world, says self-compassion is key: “Practice self-kindness and self-acceptance. Remember, you deserve love and care too.”
Find some self-care activities that help you relax and de-stress, like meditation, taking the kids to a quick trip to the playground, or stretching to your favorite workout. Make sure you’re looking out for your own well-being, and don’t be afraid to take a breather when you need it during those gatherings. After all, as a flight attendant will remind you, you can’t take care of others if you aren’t taken care of yourself.
“Setting aside time for self-care is not selfish; it’s necessary for maintaining healthy relationships.” – Dr. Brene Brown
So how do we deal with those tough family members and in-laws during holiday gatherings?
- Handling Political Differences
In today’s world, politics can be a minefield, and political discussions can turn into all-out wars, even within families.
Remember, political beliefs are deeply personal, and respecting differing viewpoints, even if you disagree, can help keep the peace during holiday gatherings. Stay far away from these discussions as much as you can.
- Addressing Past Grudges
Holiday gatherings sometimes throw people together who have some beef from the past. If you’ve got a family member with whom you’ve had issues, consider reaching out before the gathering to express your wish for a peaceful holiday. Have a private chat to find some common ground if you can.
Sometimes, just acknowledging past problems and showing a willingness to move forward can lead to more positive interactions during the holiday season.
“We can improve our relationships with others by leaps and bounds if we become encouragers instead of critics.” –Joyce Meyer
- Managing Expectations for Gift Giving
Gift exchanges can be a real source of stress around the holidays. So, talk about gift-giving expectations with your family members before the big day. Maybe set some budgets or think about different approaches, like doing a gift exchange with names or making homemade gifts.
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” – Brene Brown
By having an open chat about gift-giving, you can avoid money troubles and make sure everyone’s on the same page.
- Coping with Overbearing In-Laws
Now, in-law situations can be especially dicey. When you’re dealing with in-laws who just can’t help but overstep, it’s vital to present a united front with your partner. Talk about boundaries and expectations together, and make sure both of you are communicating your needs to your respective families.
“I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.” – Unknown
Being on the same page with your spouse can help you avoid conflicts with the in-laws and set some clear boundaries to protect your relationship.
- Practicing Gratitude and Positivity
To create a positive vibe during your holiday gatherings, focus on gratitude and positivity. Encourage your family to express gratitude for each other. Share what you appreciate about each person to strengthen those positive connections.
Suzanne Kane wrote, ‘Expressing your gratitude can be rewarding as well as healing.” She talks about having some creative ways to embrace an “attitude of gratitude.”
- Be Understanding about Emotional Challenges
Now, the last few years were, let’s admit it, pretty tough years for many of us. People faced personal challenges, and the early years of the pandemic didn’t help either. So, when you’re dealing with challenging family members, try to remember that some of them may have had a rough time emotionally. Show some understanding, and it can go a long way in diffusing tension.
“You can only understand people if you feel them in yourself.” – John Steinbeck
- Engage in Open Communication
According to surveys, Americans communicate with their friends through all sorts of channels, with texting being the most common. Similarly, keeping communication open and constructive within the family can help you deal with those challenging family members.
Create opportunities for conversations during your gatherings. Set aside some time for open chats where everyone gets a chance to be heard. This can be a platform for addressing differences and finding common ground.
“Before you can express your feelings, you have to know what they are. For most people, it helps to have some quiet time to reflect.” – Sharon Martin, LCSW
- Focusing on Shared Experiences
Despite all the differences and disagreements, remember the shared experiences and bonds you have with your family. According to Dr. Michele L. Brennan, Psy.D., co-founder of the non-profit organization Little Hands International, holiday traditions play a crucial role in building strong family bonds.
- Setting Physical and Mental Boundaries
Sometimes, you just gotta set some boundaries with those challenging family members. Every family is unique, so it’s important to establish some boundaries when necessary.
“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.” – Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
- Get Help and Seek Support
If dealing with a challenging family member becomes too much to handle, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Reach out to other family members or professionals if you need to.
“If someone thinks you’re being dramatic or selfish, then they haven’t walked a mile in your shoes. You don’t need to explain yourself. You get a pass here. Don’t let anyone else try to saddle you with guilt or shame. If you need your space, take it.” – Sarah Newman
So, by focusing on gratitude and the positive side of your family relationships, you can create an environment where goodwill and harmony thrive.
Dealing with challenging family members and in-laws during holiday gatherings takes a mix of good communication, empathy, boundary-setting, and self-care. Apply these strategies and think through different scenarios, and you’ll be ready to tackle whatever challenges come your way. Remember, building and keeping strong family bonds is an ongoing journey, and the holidays are a chance to strengthen those ties.