Mario Kills Tanooki
Editor’s note – This post is intended for humorous purposes only. ModernMom does not support animal cruelty in any form. No animals were harmed in the creation of this post.
Ah Mario, for many people Mario will always remind them of the time they first discovered video games. The NES was the best selling console of the 1980s and is widely considered the single greatest console ever made.
The impact it has had on game design and popular culture can not be overstated. In fact, its star character Mario, who turns 30 next year is the new victim of a PETA ad-campaign.
Do you remember that you could turn into a raccoon in “Super Mario Land 3”? Well you can do it in the new “Super Mario 3D Land and PETA is pissed.
They have created their own game in which you play a raccoon who must recover his stolen skin. The game is a little graphic, but would you expect any less from people who compared chicken farming to the holocaust?
And according to PETA, Mario must have killed raccoons to get their skins. It couldn’t be, you know, a costume. So in the spirit of PETA, here is a catalogue of Mario’s crimes against humanity.
The First Victims
PETA is so predictable. Of course they highlight the cute raccoon. What they fail to remember is that Mario’s first victims were in fact sentient vegetables. The proof? Look at the mushrooms. Look deep into their faces. They have eyes… and they smile. Is this surprising in a land called the Mushroom Kingdom?
The place is literally run by mushrooms names Toad. And Mario eats them by the dozen. And he doesn’t stop there. Virtually all the power-ups that Mario eats are clearly sentient. The fire-flowers even make cute eyes when he walks by.
I ask you PETA, why do you not decry the horrific abuse that the poor mushrooms face? Is it because you don’t care unless the victim is small and furry?
The Development of a Madman
In the early days, Mario was able to control his bloodlust. He would only eat the occasional mushroom or leaf as needed. But as time went by he needed fresh victims. PETA may remember the raccoons, but they forget the frogs.
James Brussel, Director of Criminal Profiling for the FBI, says that Mario’s foray in to frog murder was the gateway drug that moved him from killing sentient plants to people. “The Frog’s in the Mushroom Kingdom are so humanoid that Mario was literally a hop, skip and a jump from becoming a serial killer.”
His Final Years
In the late 90’s Mario became homeless. Heavy competition from Sony and Lara Croft made getting by harder than it had ever been before. The invites to the Daytime Emmy’s dried up. No longer was he able to afford both a cook and a cleaner. He went with the cleaner. He knew he had to go big or go home. And then it hit him. Why focus on animals? He should extend his violent regime to his peers – The Most Dangerous Game.
He should murder Andre Agassi. In hindsight it was all so obvious. Andre Agassi withdrew from private life, Mario released a new game, Mario Tennis. Where did he get that racquet?
The game was a smash hit and was the first instance where Mario crossed the line from man to murderer. In the intervening years, his list of victims have included artists, magicians, doctors, miscellaneous NASCAR drivers and Tiger Woods.
In his upcoming game, he goes full circle back to the raccoons and mushrooms. We can only pray that he stays there.
