Remember that sex is for you and your enjoyment. Rather than thinking about it as one more chore on your to-do list or one more thing someone wants from you, think of it as your time!
Share the load
Speaking of chores, if doing more than your share of them is what’s exhausting you, have a discussion about sharing the load more evenly with your partner.
Think about it
Think about sex when you aren’t having it. Try taking a one-minute sex break every hour where you think about sex, perhaps engaging in a quick sexual fantasy or recalling an exciting previous exciting sexual encounter.
A turn-off
Turn off your busy brain when you are having sex by quickly stopping any invasive thoughts about your to-do list and instead, immersing fully in the physical sensations.
Exercise
Try to find a way to get some time for yourself, and use this time to exercise. Research shows that exercise increases sex drive and satisfaction. Yoga may be especially effective, according to some research.
Touch
Make sure you and your partner are touching each other affectionately on a daily basis.
Tease
Get your juices flowing by engaging in quick, teasing touch at times and in places where sex would not be appropriate or possible.
Be a little provocative
Turn up the heat by engaging in provocative talk at times when sex would be impossible. Send sexy emails or text messages during the day, for example.
Read and watch
Read an erotic book or watch an erotic movie, either alone or with your partner.
Experiment
Use a lubricant during a sexual encounter and experiment with a variety of types, textures, and smells.
Play a little
Buy a toy, such as a vibrator and use it both alone and with your partner.
Start standing
When you are having a sexual encounter, start standing up and slowly disrobing one another.
Just do it
Realize that for many women, sexual desire follows sexual touching. Don’t wait to be “horny” to have a sexual encounter. Instead, “just do it” and enjoy it. Remember that if it is fun, it isn’t duty sex!
Make a plan
Give up on the myth of spontaneous sex and instead, plan for sexual encounters (“trysts”) with your partner.
Be a little spontaneous
Plan trysts for times other than right before bed. As just two examples, try setting the alarm ninety minutes after you have fallen asleep, or get frisky as soon as your child goes down for a nap or to play at a friend’s house on the weekend.
Hire a babysitter
Hire a baby-sitter and instead of going to dinner or a movie, take a picnic, music, and candles to a hotel room.
Be a know-it-all
Understand your body, especially the central role of the clitoris in excitement and orgasm. Know that the vast majority of women (70%) don’t orgasm with intercourse alone. Give this up as a goal and instead, enjoy the fact that your clitoris has more nerve endings than anywhere in your body!
Face it: We’re slow-cookers
Realize that in general, women are slow-cookers – we need time to become aroused, with this time increasing with exhaustion and stress. Take the time you need without rushing or being goal-oriented.
Communicate!
Most important, remember that communication is the bed-rock to make your bed rock. Communicate your general and sexual needs clearly and directly to your partner.
About the Author
Laurie B. Mintz, PhD is a tired woman who has regained her once-lost passion and a psychologist with more than fifteen years of experience helping countless women to do the same. She has a PhD in psychology and is a licensed psychologist who has counseled women and couples. Thanks to following her own advice, she enjoys a passionate and satisfying sexual relationship with her husband of twenty-two years. Laurie is the author of “A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex,” a book that clinical research has found to increase sexual desire and arousal in women who read it.
