How to Break Frustrating Relationship Patterns

by Colette Baron-Reid

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Once upon a time there was an adorable little Goblin who wanted nothing more than to fall in love. Like a princess in a fairy tale, she longed for another Goblin to complete and save her. She’d had many relationships, all which seemed to follow the same dramatic story line. She’d meet eyes with another Goblin, they’d have that instant spark, and then they’d jump into a hot and heavy relationship. But after the initial lust wore off a few weeks or months later, problems would start to emerge and she’d notice that this new Goblin was just like all the other Goblins she’d dated. He had a fear of commitment, loved to drink, and sometimes made her feel inferior. “But we all have faults,” she’d think to herself. “What if he leaves me and I never met another Goblin like him? I need him to feel complete. I’ll have to do what it takes to make him love me.” And so, she continued her pattern of wounding and codependency… until one day her wounds were acknowledged and everything changed.

Are you struggling with relationship patterns that aren’t in your best interest? Do you wonder why the Universe keeps sending you the same kinds of partners? Are you longing and yearning for love to complete you?

If you’re familiar with my work, you’ve probably heard me talk about the Goblin before. I use the character of the Goblin to represent the wounded ego we all have. As our shadow, the Goblin holds onto what we’ve disowned in ourselves: Fears, judgment, abandonment, low self-worth, victimization, shame, anger, resentment, and so on. In past blogs as well as in my book, Remembering the Future, I talk quite a bit about the Goblin and intuition. Today I want to share my insight into how your Goblin may be keeping you stuck in relationship dramas and what you need to do to get the true partnership you deserve. .

I’ve used the tale about the little Goblin to illustrate what happens when your wounded ego is in the driver’s seat of your relationships. When you’re not conscious of this wounded aspect of yourself, you give it your power. And so, filled with repressed emotions and experiences (often from childhood), your Goblin tries to protect you by repeating false ideas and patterns, as if to prove to you that they are true. For example, if you don’t think you’re lovable, your Goblin will look for an experience that will validate that false belief. If you’re unconsciously afraid of commitment or you don’t think you deserve real love, your Goblin will find you partners who are also afraid of commitment. If deep down you’re a people pleaser and think you have to change for someone to love you, then your Goblin will find you someone who is controlling. Unfortunately, when your Goblin is running the show, it can’t have a relationship with anyone else but another Goblin. Hence, you keep attracting the same kinds of “damaged” goods, leaving you feeling frustrated that you have such bad luck. Believe me, I know who how frustrating that is… I’ve been there! And I’m happy to tell you that you can change all this.

When you own your wounded ego and become conscious of the patterns, then you’ll attract a relationship that reflects the healthier part of you. The Goblin is an important part of your relationship story because it points you to opportunities for healing and growth. The problem is that many of us just keep repeating the patterns without stopping to look closely at how our unconscious beliefs may be impacting our experience. We get frustrated with other people or curse the Universe when we really need to see that we are the common denominator in all of our experiences. Though that might sound a bit scary, it’s actually quite empowering. As the common denominator, you have the ability to change your experience by digging deep within yourself and developing awareness. When you get to know and love the wounded part of yourself, you reconnect with your soul and intuition and open yourself to a mutually committed partnership.

Exercise:

Notice the patterns: Make a list of all the “positive” and “negative” qualities that are common to the people you’ve attracted. Then, look at how you also own those qualities. Pay special attention to the “negative” qualities that caused you the most frustration. How have you exhibited those qualities?

For example, let’s say Jamie says that all of the men she’s attracted have abandoned her. If she puts the attention back on herself, she may also see that she has an expectation of abandonment or that she has abandoned herself by not staying loyal to her dreams of a mutual partnership.

Send love to your Goblin!: Meditation is a great way to send love to your Goblin. So, take some time this week to do my Goblin meditation, which is in my Say Hello to Your Goblin blog.

And, please share your thoughts about this blog in the comment box. Remember we all learn from one another.
 

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